Wednesday, October 27, 2010

female druid forms

Someone asked for female druid forms at blizzcon. Initially, I thought omg that's so dumb, what a gigantic waste of a question! Look at that tree out the window. Is that a boy tree or a girl tree? I don't know. I'm a bond trader, not a botanist. I don't know. How about this bear. Is this a momma bear or pappa bear John Patricelli dancing after scoring the headless horseman mount?
Again, I don't know. In fact, even bears have to sniff each other's butt to tell boys and girls apart. There's no such thing as "female druid form"!... then someone pointed out the mane on horde cats... oohhhh....

Horde cats are definitely males. You know how I know? Because I was a lion in my previous life. I distinctly remember prowling the Savannah going toe to toe with the incumbent King. At stake was the supremacy over the 11th district pride, exclusive shagging rights with all the lionesses, child alimony of 4 fuzzy cuddly cubs, and dibs on prime zebra cuts. I was a boy and I had a mane; therefore, horde cats are males. Quode Erat Demonstrandum.

So, I've determined that a request for female druid forms is perfectly legitimate and merits blizzard's thoughtful considerations.

Here's another one: "...I wonder if we can have some that didn't look like they came out of a Victoria's Secrets catalogue?"

The question's vague. Was she asking for A) Realistic and Diverse Body Figures; or B) Realistic Battle Gears (i.e., No Plate Bikinis).
 
I'm guessing it's B (she could have easily referenced Hanes Her Way Plus Size catalog, but Victoria Secret is more mainstream).
 
First, let me address the practicality of skimpy armors. In my previous life, I served as one of King Leonidas' chief lieutenants. I was the leader of the 3rd platoon, which covers the left flank on the 1-3-1 potato wedge formation. The Spartan army had standard-issue plate armors, but us here at the Special Forces rocked nothing but the purple Speedos. You see, we fought as a single, impenetratable Phalax. Everyone protects the soldier left of him from thigh to neck with the shield. We didn't plan on getting hit, so the heavy armors were just cumbersome weight hindering our mobility.
 
Mobility wins games. My oozing sex appeal was merely a secondary effect. Speedos are very real (as attested by the recorded memory of my previous life) and practical (did Spartans win?).
 
With that said, I can see why some women don't like skimpy armors. Even though I'm not a woman, I'm a chic, metrosexual yuppie who regularly scores above 95th percentile on any type of standardized Emotional Quotient tests (that means I have superb abilities to see things from other people's perspective)....damn it... I have no idea where I'm going with this... mebee I'll finish later.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Who Moved My Cheese?

I like comfort zone. I hate getting out of the bed. I like status quo. I hate change.

1) With the inception of Plate Specialization, I had to put away my ilvl 277 Emporio Armani leather cinch and buy me a stupid emblem plate belt. I’m a dorf, so the huge-ass Triple H belt comes up to my nipples. The graphic looks like I’ve tucked the luscious pleated beard UNDER the belt. I’ve seen the blizz employee group photo, and I’m positive none of them has read a single issue of GQ in the past 8 years, so: beards, neck ties and sports coats go OVER the belt.

Speaking of Tripple H, his mother-in-law (the wife of Vince McMahon) is running for the Senate in Connecticut.

2) I'm having trouble getting acclimated to 4.0.1 spell animations. I can't tell the friendly spells apart from teh bad. You know that inauspicious green pool druids drop? I instinctively bolted out of it, because it looks like death and decay. Healers told me it's a warm safe place where as a child I'd hide and pray for the thunder and the rain to quietly pass me by. LIARS! I don't feel safe in it.

Also, holy pallies are shooting lazers out of their hands.

3) If you aren't a raiding paladin, you probably have no clue what flamboyant luxury this is: I click one button and it buffs the whole raid. When I saw the consolidated pally buff in action, I stood there holding back tears and covering my mouth with hands so the feeling doesn't escape... It's glorious.


p.s. Rivs wrote me an email to ask where I was and if I was okay. He's the only one that cares. The sisterhood is all about caring and solidarity, so Rivs gets to wear the traveling pants this week.