Friday, July 30, 2010

The Manner and Timing of Feedbacks

Sandy is an awesome pup I used to have in high school. He looks like a corehound except he has one head. He’s the best dog ever, but training him was so hard I almost thought about naming him Hemi, short for hemorrhoid.

When he humps on an unsuspecting guest’s leg, I don’t wait until the traumatized guest leaves to say things like, “Yeah Sandy, that was totally appropriate. Really, like Rico Suave smooth”, because a) he doesn’t understand sarcasm and b) he won’t remember the particular incident I’m referring to.

To make the lesson work, I have to kick the shit out of him right then and there to engrave humping stranger’s leg = getting slobber knocked across the room into his pitbull dps brain.

I don’t like fires, void zones, and other general bad things that tick away chunks of hp. The ticking mechanic places undue stress on healers for other people’s stupidity. Plus, if it CAN be healed through, the dps has no clue why he’s suddenly the center of sarcastic, angry post-fight evaluation. Muh? Huh?

I like Algalon’s void zones that shoot fiery geyser up your butt 50 feet into the air and one-shot you in a spectacular display of nubness. Embarrasingly crystal-clear instant feedback for all avoidable raid damage is what I’m talking about.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

10M Strict

If I were guildless right now, I find me a nice 10M strict progression guild. I would’ve applied to Hana’s guild. She was looking for a charming charismatic ret pally that can off tank and omg that’s me.

Normalized for head count and gearscore, I don’t think there are material differences in the level of technical difficulty between 10man and 25man contents. However, coordinating the schedule and focus of 25 people are exponentially more difficult than doing it with 10 people. Logistical and managerial challenges for 10 selfish bastards are a picnic compared to those for 25 selfish bastards.

To that end, 25 mans are way more difficult than 10 mans, but for the wrong reasons. I wanna be rewarded for my ninja reflexes and unparallel finger sliding skills, not for my abilities to play nicely with other people. I don’t care about them. I love me, and since they’re not me, I don’t care.

Fun fact for the EJ ret pally forum readers: Redcape, an undisputed authority figure in ret pally theory crafting, plays on my server and he’s part of Ogg Gulnath Tago, a ballin 10M strict progression guild ranked 11th in the world. These guys beat out people wearing heroic 25M gears through 10M contents.

I saw him sitting near dal bank and I pissed myself. I ran over to him and asked politely if he would please sign my spreadsheet, but he didn’t respond.

Fine you jerk. I prefer Bellator’s spreadsheet anyways.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

For the Horde

Pugging Pally did an allegiance survey. Although the sample size wasn't big enough to warrant definitive conclusions, I can't believe there are so many Alliances.

I play Alliance only because the best guild on guildland happens to be Alliance. I wanna be Horde so bad I'm seriously considereing financing the faction transfer for the entire guild.
To me, humans of Stormwind are central to Alliance creed and culture. They paint the picture of Western Christian military orders endorsed by the Roman Catholic Church around 12th century. Blizzard did ctrl+h to replace all reference to God with the Light. They also replaced Knights Templar spooning on horseback with Pallies bubble hearthing.

How am I supposed to draw any sense of pride or allegiance from this?

The Alliance battle cry--I guess the heroism sound effect?-- sounds to me like the cheers of teary-eyed teenagers swearing abstinence till marriage at Amy Grant concert.

The Horde battle cry starts with sick Double Bass War Drum solo and deafning vuvuzela. It ends with ah-woo ah-woo, the correct answer to King Leonidas' question: "Spartans, what is your profession?"


Dear King Slayers who knocked on Pike of the Shattered Sun:

I think people walking around with King Slayer is as annoying as people who put MBA on their business card. Take it off. Nobody cares about your lulz degree from some 2nd-rate business school.


Jong Hellscream, MBA
VP of Ah-Woo Ah-Woo

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

pally spell mage spell

I consider two factors when deciding which spells I like/don’t like: utility and coolness. For example, warrior charge (or intercept) is extremely useful and just about the coolest thing. So 10/10. Blood Lust? Ditto 10/10. While Heroism is as powerful as BL, its sound effect is male belf vidal sasson shampoo commercial ahhhhhh. So 8/10.

The worst spell under my rating system is Divine Shield. There’s no way anyone can be angry or maintain a gangster swagger while eating ice cream. Likewise, there’s no way anyone, not even Miles Davis, to be cool while sitting in a bubble. It sits on the left-most point of the cool spectrum and the very premise for ret pallies having to eat alone at the lunch table.

In PvP, it’s crazy op and widely regarded as unsportsmanlike conduct. In PvE, it’s slightly less useful than underwater breathing. I press it once a week to run through the upper spire air frogger. Other times, I keep it off action bar lest I accidentally trigger 50% damage reduction and 30-second wing lock out.

0/10 Divine Shield is the stupidest thing since the solar-powered flash light. Mrs. Lobred, my 10th grade English teacher said I should never have just one sentence in a paragraph, so there you go.

I, the JV Arcane Mage, am the Alpha and the Omega of raids. My ritual (of refreshment) signifies the commencement and my portal marks the end...except I keep running out of reagents for the Alpha and could never remember to put up the Omega.

Focus Magic is BALLIN’ YO. I like swapping it with another mage to make the warlocks feel isolated and neglected. I can’t rate it 10/10 because I had no idea I’d be receiving so many drama puppy dog eye whispers: Why didn’t you give it to me? I thought you cared = (

Spell Steal is off-the-knob 12/10. I love it. What's that gen vezex looking dude that makes you fight each other? That was the first "pvp" encounter on my mage, and I was pissing myself with joy. I ninja counterspelled the priest and stole the ret pallies' Seal of Command. I would have cleaved everyone to death if my staff skill wasn't 17/450.

You know those little flower dudes on the way to the rock boss in Nexus? They have +2% damage buff and it stacks. I built up a crazy buff and I would have annihilated the recount if I didn’t own myself. I thought I could break through spell reflect if I REALLY believed in it, but every stream of max-charged arcane missles bounced off boing-fwip boing-fwip boing-fwip and pwned me.

Monday, July 19, 2010


I spent Saturday researching and getting used to my fresh lvl 80 mage. So now, by the power and authority vested in me by the State of Connecticut DPS Assembly, I here by revoke the rights to make fun of ret pally rotation from all mages.

I don't mean to punish you. I'm trying to preserve your dignity and prevent you from sounding absolutely ridiculous: 1-1-1-1-2 laughing at FCFS is a tid bit more lulz than a melee hunter laughing at spellpower dks.

The rest of you may continue to make fun of ret pallies.

Deleted scenes from the director's cut:

Someone from Chiba, Japan keeps landing here by googling girl critoris. Which upsets me, because this blog is a sanctuary of class, elegance, and scholarly endeavors. I blame potty mouth Megan.

Watch my leet deductive reasoning skill at work:

a) The googler is a boy. He doesn't realize that girl is an unnecceary qualifier. In fact, he is unable to frame the question to narrow the search (e.g., where is...) because he doen't even know whether it's a person, place, or an idea.

b) There was no unintentional spelling error: he really thinks its spelled with an R. Given Asian's innate inability to pronounce L, he probably heard someone say something like "herro pretty rady, may I perform cunuringus on your critoris?" and wondered, ku-ri-to-ri-s... ku-ri-to-ri-s wa nan desu ka?

Thursday, July 15, 2010

think about it

Gevlon is letting us in on the secrets behind the glorious success of PuG the project guild. I read it all, and I am very much for instilling a sense of professionalism among raiders.

Still, I fell off chair laughing at this: "Retarded behavior like lol, gets you kicked."

At worst, retarded is hurtful, unnecessary, and ignorant. At best, retarded is way more childish and unprofessional than lol. Do you see the infinite irony?

Why don't you apply to my guild? Be mindful that lollable behavior like retarded will get you lolled.


He's far more constructive than his habit to call players "retarded" suggests.

I have no doubt, and I assure you, my lolling isn't indicative of my ineffectiveness either. I am slamming the arbitrary double standard. There's no logical reason for lol to be grounds for gkick while retarded is accepted as professional raiding lingo.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Just out of curiosity, I googled my real name, and the real me came up #7 on the search result. WTF, I thought, why aren't I #1? Then I remembered this wasn't recount.

I'm a huge proponent of RealID. I mean, relinquishing all my online and real-life activities to commit to corpse camping that jerkface just wasn't satisfying enough. With RealID, I can stop by Bob's Sporting Goods two blocks from the jerkface's house, get me a limited Barry Bonds signature edition Louiville Slugger, and RealBash out the jerkface's RealCarWindShield.... for... you know, stealing my saronite node.

Players are angry. Not wtf-nerf-ret-pallies angry. They are I-just-canceled-my-account angry. Unfortunately, I don't think Blizzard will budge. They are crazy. Not let's-paint-the-kitchen-red crazy. Tooth-paste-sandwich crazy.

I wouldn't be surprised if Michael Morhaime distributed an internal memo that goes like this:


In 1615, Galileo Galilei was denounced to the Roman Inquisition and sentenced to the second-degree torture for proposing the heliocentric view of the solar system. Today, he is widely regarded as the Father of Modern Science.

We will be questioned, mocked, and persecuted as we pioneer this revolutionary social network concept. I assure you, however, that five centuries from now, we will have our bust sculptures displayed at GameStops and be hailed as the Daddy of MMO.

You are revolutionaries trail blazing the network paths for the masses who are clearly incapable of seeing that the earth goes around the sun and RealID is awesome.

Take pride in this project, and whenever you are in doubt, look up to the clear blue sky and call my name: I'll be there.

Press on, Heroes.

Michael the Trail Blazer

While they're at this facebook idea, they should also consider the eHarmoy concept. Automatically match women up with creepos lacking social graces based on the patented 29 Dimensions of Compatibility, including Emotional Temperament, Cognitive Mode, Faction Preference, and Passive Buffs.