Wednesday, October 27, 2010

female druid forms

Someone asked for female druid forms at blizzcon. Initially, I thought omg that's so dumb, what a gigantic waste of a question! Look at that tree out the window. Is that a boy tree or a girl tree? I don't know. I'm a bond trader, not a botanist. I don't know. How about this bear. Is this a momma bear or pappa bear John Patricelli dancing after scoring the headless horseman mount?
Again, I don't know. In fact, even bears have to sniff each other's butt to tell boys and girls apart. There's no such thing as "female druid form"!... then someone pointed out the mane on horde cats... oohhhh....

Horde cats are definitely males. You know how I know? Because I was a lion in my previous life. I distinctly remember prowling the Savannah going toe to toe with the incumbent King. At stake was the supremacy over the 11th district pride, exclusive shagging rights with all the lionesses, child alimony of 4 fuzzy cuddly cubs, and dibs on prime zebra cuts. I was a boy and I had a mane; therefore, horde cats are males. Quode Erat Demonstrandum.

So, I've determined that a request for female druid forms is perfectly legitimate and merits blizzard's thoughtful considerations.

Here's another one: "...I wonder if we can have some that didn't look like they came out of a Victoria's Secrets catalogue?"

The question's vague. Was she asking for A) Realistic and Diverse Body Figures; or B) Realistic Battle Gears (i.e., No Plate Bikinis).
I'm guessing it's B (she could have easily referenced Hanes Her Way Plus Size catalog, but Victoria Secret is more mainstream).
First, let me address the practicality of skimpy armors. In my previous life, I served as one of King Leonidas' chief lieutenants. I was the leader of the 3rd platoon, which covers the left flank on the 1-3-1 potato wedge formation. The Spartan army had standard-issue plate armors, but us here at the Special Forces rocked nothing but the purple Speedos. You see, we fought as a single, impenetratable Phalax. Everyone protects the soldier left of him from thigh to neck with the shield. We didn't plan on getting hit, so the heavy armors were just cumbersome weight hindering our mobility.
Mobility wins games. My oozing sex appeal was merely a secondary effect. Speedos are very real (as attested by the recorded memory of my previous life) and practical (did Spartans win?).
With that said, I can see why some women don't like skimpy armors. Even though I'm not a woman, I'm a chic, metrosexual yuppie who regularly scores above 95th percentile on any type of standardized Emotional Quotient tests (that means I have superb abilities to see things from other people's perspective)....damn it... I have no idea where I'm going with this... mebee I'll finish later.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Who Moved My Cheese?

I like comfort zone. I hate getting out of the bed. I like status quo. I hate change.

1) With the inception of Plate Specialization, I had to put away my ilvl 277 Emporio Armani leather cinch and buy me a stupid emblem plate belt. I’m a dorf, so the huge-ass Triple H belt comes up to my nipples. The graphic looks like I’ve tucked the luscious pleated beard UNDER the belt. I’ve seen the blizz employee group photo, and I’m positive none of them has read a single issue of GQ in the past 8 years, so: beards, neck ties and sports coats go OVER the belt.

Speaking of Tripple H, his mother-in-law (the wife of Vince McMahon) is running for the Senate in Connecticut.

2) I'm having trouble getting acclimated to 4.0.1 spell animations. I can't tell the friendly spells apart from teh bad. You know that inauspicious green pool druids drop? I instinctively bolted out of it, because it looks like death and decay. Healers told me it's a warm safe place where as a child I'd hide and pray for the thunder and the rain to quietly pass me by. LIARS! I don't feel safe in it.

Also, holy pallies are shooting lazers out of their hands.

3) If you aren't a raiding paladin, you probably have no clue what flamboyant luxury this is: I click one button and it buffs the whole raid. When I saw the consolidated pally buff in action, I stood there holding back tears and covering my mouth with hands so the feeling doesn't escape... It's glorious.

p.s. Rivs wrote me an email to ask where I was and if I was okay. He's the only one that cares. The sisterhood is all about caring and solidarity, so Rivs gets to wear the traveling pants this week.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Prot Warriors on Prot Pallies

First, please keep cata spoilers out of reach of children (and me).

Is it because I don’t like opening Christmas presents on Thanksgiving? Not really. What I fear is much worse. The memory of my 8th grade Christmas still lingers... I thought I was getting Nintendo 64, but I got a Santa Clause sweater instead. It scarred me for life.

Warriors are way cooler than paladins, period. If I could do it all over, I'd be a male orc fury warrior named HelloScream. I'm telling you, if I were a SM wielding fury warrior, things would be different. Echo Isles would have been reclaimed at 3.0, Whirlwind and Cleave would have gone through series of massive nerfs, and the world financial markets would have never seen the credit-induced recession. My DPS be infusing more liquidity to the system than the TARP fund.

No one does a better job of bashing on paladins than me. I take pride in that. Today, however, I feel obliged to bash on all the insecure prot warriors making fun of prot pally rotation. Why you gotta be giving them poor saps inferiority complex?

I am a ret pally... so watching the how to play priest video on youtube, I felt like a McDonald's employee sitting in a particle physics lecture. double u tee eff.

Now, prot warriors busting on prot pally rotation is like a Taco Bell employee making fun of McDonald's employee: LOLOL your auto fry timer is so faceroll. L2 think outside the buns you nubs!

GTFO. Prot pally rotation is lulz easy and prot warrior rotation is stupid easy. They're both ridiculously easy. If you find that prot warrior mechanic is even remotely close to anything having the slightest nuance of "difficult" or "challenging", you aren't qualified to be a tank. Go roll a retpally.

What are you doing "thinking" about your rotation anyways? It should be like breathing. Do you sit there consciously observing the intricacies of inhale/exhale mechanics? It should just float off your finger tips while you tend to the real task: orchestrating the efforts of clueless scrubs running around flopping they arms.

Do you know what separates pro tanks from amateur tanks? Hint: It's not the rotation.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Auto follow?

Larisa had an awesome blog topic: Players I admire and players I look down on.

Players I Admire

1) Mages who top the decurse count on LDW. I don’t know which one of our three mages is doing it, but he is so fast I don’t even know I was inflicted until I parse the log. A mage undoing that many curses that fast has to be proactively looking for shit to decurse. He’s got no qualms about sacrificing his GCD for the team.

Me? I throw a tantrum when I have to rebuff Kings on brezed players. These resurrected assholes are making me burn my precious GCD on them. It's MY GCD.

When someone calls for Salv, I just feign ignorance. Again, it's MY GCD. I love me and since they're not me, I don't care.

2) Warlocks specced for Demonic Pact and hunters speced & glyphed for Improved Hunter’s Mark. These folks would rank right below Ghandi on Moslow’s Pyramid. Think about it: they are purposely gimping their dps to benefit the others… that is a fascinating concept I can’t quite grasp… our demo lock voluntarily descended to the bottom of the recount for the silly humanity. He then fed us with two fish feast and five loaves of felbread. He is Jesus.

Players I Look Down On

1) Players who are habitually late to the raid. There’s a clear distinction between being friendly and being respectful. If I throw a hissy fit because you always show up 10-15 minutes late, it’s not that I’m being unfriendly. The problem is that you’re a disrespectful asshole. It’s not that you don’t have time. The problem is that you fail at time management.

2) Players who go AFK during Freya trash. The scrub didn’t understand why we were so upset since we don't really need all 25 to clear the place. My GM ripped into him: “Auto follow? You were on auto follow? Do you know what I would do if my girlfriend had me on auto follow? I would kill her by standing at the edge of the water and turning until her head is completely submerged. Auto follow? Fucking auto follow?”

3) Back-seat raid leaders. These people are hilarious. Tell me if this sounds familiar: It’s 3rd and 5. You’re trailing by 6 with 2 minutes left. You’re running no-huddle offense. The QB calls out the play: Red 39 Z-fly Go! The tight end interrupts him with an audible “No no that’s stupid! Power I power I.” The right tackle won’t even settle down “No, I’m reading John Madden StratFu right now. It says… wait… give me a minute.”

Thursday, August 26, 2010

summer is fun


Summer is fun times. We've been picking up quality applicants as guilds blow up left and right. We're gonna finish Wotlk as the server #1 by default. We're like the Bubba Gump shrimp boat that survived the pre-expansion summer slump tsunami.

There's this sick boomkin recruit from former world top 200 guild dishing out dps I thought boomkins weren't allow to dish out. He's beating out our Ninja Mage Tripod and the Elite Ranger Plate DPS Corps, which includes a Shadowmourne DK and the Jong. It's weird getting skooled by a boomkin. I don't know how to cope with this feeling.

Oh, and there's this shadow priest who introduced himself as "the 3rd best shadow priest in the world" on his app. Are you cereal? Joo gon' come into my house (The House of Self Delusion and Unapologetic Ego) and blurt out them fighting words? Do you realize what kinda substance you've got to put out to collateralize claims like that?... I LOVE IT! I can't wait to see how he measures up against our resident spriest.

We're getting H Halion down to P3 fairly consistently. I think we'll get him in a couple weeks. For those who haven't seen it, the hardmode twilight realm spawns Bella and Edward and it's really annoying.

I overcame the challenges of the crossing twilight cutters by 1) tapping into the prefrontal cortex via daily Tai Chi routine to unleash my leet visuo-spatial skillz; and 2) truly believing that I am a butterfly-- butterfiles never die to twilight cutters.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

at taco bell

The line is being held up because the guy in front of me can’t decide. He’s leaning on the counter to indicate that he has no intention of letting others order ahead. Hrmmmmm… he’s intently contemplating the warm tortillas of Carnita Chicken against the pillowy flatbred of Gordita Baja, because choosing the wrong combo meal would initiate the launching sequence for the nuclear missile that would decimate the entire city of New York. Wtf? How can you not know what you want at Taco Bell? I know what I want at Taco Bell the day before I get there.

So, it's my turn. The cashier can’t figure out how to punch in “one volcano burrito and medium mountain dew please” into the cash register that looks like my niece’s Fisher Price Animal Sounds Farm. I bet if I reached over and pushed the big-ass brown button that says VOLCANO BURRITO, the register would sound off moooooo. I’ll bet all my wow gold and my burrito that this girl would fuck up the blood queen bite assignment.

Thursday, August 19, 2010


I'm not a lore person and there are many story lines I can't quite connect. For example, how am I saving mammoth calves for DHETA and killing 60 game animals for Hemet Nesingwary all in the same week?

Isn't completing DHETA's Little PITA and Nessingwary: The Collected Quests kinda like being a spokesperson for Coke and Pepsi at the same time?... I do like riding around my polar bear singing bah bah bah bah the Joooooy of Pepsiiiiiiii~

I didn't make the best first impression with DHETA. I was running back to the camp all proud with a huge-ass smile: Look! Look! I done all your quests just like you told me to!

Instead of giving me an 'attaboy, Arch Druid Lathorius body-slammed me to the ground and stepped on my throat. You have no idea how confused I was. I mean, Zaza was in tears as she was kicking my face in: You bastard! You killed a baby mammoth!

Relax you hippies. I didn't know*, okay?

*What I didn't know was that the quest comes with a hammer to break the trap. So, I targeted the baby mammoth and divine stormed to... you know, break the trap.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

this is injustice!

It's been confirmed (through the mighty twitter) that blizz is taking treeform away from druids. This is definitely the doing of Applebough, the invidious, jaundiced Dalaran fruit vendor of luscious leaves. Averna was right all along.

You know how I feel about pally bubble (Pally Spell Mage Spell).

Blizz refuses to admit that they don't have a clue how to balance the game around bubble, just as the Canadians won't admit that Canadian bacon is really ham. Ham. Say it! Hammmmm.

Bubble is the only spell in the game that lacks style and substance at the same time. If fury warriors can survive hardmode encounters in Take Extra Damage Stance, I sure don't need INVINCIBILITY on top of insta-cast FoL and LoH. Go ask your girlfriend, "hey babe, if you saw me bubbling in the heat of battle, would you be kinda turned on or would you think I'm the biggest unsportsmanlike pussy?"

What upsets me is that they have no qualms about pissing on the quintescence of druids, but they refuse to acquiesce to the monstrous stupidity of bubble in the name of preserving a pally signature move.

Admit it. Say, my bad dog, and do away with it you stubborn befuddle jackasses.

Monday, August 9, 2010


So, I got this crappy shield. It's totally a warrior shield, imo. I don't know what to do with it, but I gemmed and enchanted it with the proper respect it deserves. I know ignoring socket bonus is bad, but I don't need more spell power.Imma take it for a spin at the Storm Peaks!

EDIT: I do believe in karma, but my luck with drops/rolls is so bad, things can't get any worse unless blizz starts allowing for negative integers. So I dun care.

The Adventures of Neci the Arcane Mage

Can you guess which instance this is? Curse you scrubby pug dps who just happens to be a warlock when I'm on my mage!
This is from the time I ran into that hilarious gangster pug tank constantly bickering with the healer, but somehow managed to take us all the way to Anub.
This one's for Anea.

Friday, August 6, 2010

have a nice weekend!

Antigen made a twitter, so I wanted one too. I had difficult time finding the website, because I kept googling tweeter. People say tweet tweet, not twit twit, so I thought it was spelled like that.

I came across lots of familiar looking icons, and I subscribed to all the sexy people I liked. I also subscribed to Rivs.

Okay, if Nelchalan of Gravedust hasn't submitted an entry for Vid's best dressed pally contest, I'd like to put this in on his behalf.
This should really be a t-shirt. He drew Ari's priest and it's pretty cool.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

our loot culture

Breevok said:

NOT A SINGLE SET OF LOOT RULES ANYWHERE, is perfect. Every set of rules can be stretched and loopholes found - lawyers have been making millions all across the planet on this premise.

Very true. The intricacy and sophistication of loot rules, in itself, has no virtue. It’s all about the maturity and quality of loot participants. Loot rules don’t need an addendum; looters need an introspection.

This is the explanation of our loot guideline to the guild applicants in its entirety: Roll to indicate interest. You must practice good judgment to ensure equitable loot distribution.

Some of you are probably thinking, "What exploitable frailty and imperfection! I could drive a Boeing 737 through that loophole if I knew how to drive a Boeing 737." I know, but it’s worked for us with 100% efficiency and 0% drama, because we are awesome. It can get annoying at times because two people are trying to pass an obviously desired loot to each other and they sound like my sister and her boyfriend on the phone:

“No, YOU hang up first”
“No, YOU.”
“Okay, okay, okay, how about we hang up at the same time?”
“Okay, One. Twoooooo. Three!”
“Tee hee hee hee hee hee omg why didn’t you hang up?”
“You were supposed to hang up too!”

When I first told about the loot culture, I knew exactly what was expected of me, because I learned that stuff in kindergarten. You’d be surprised at the number of grown-up applicants who didn’t make the final cut because they don’t get it. I realize most of them weren’t privileged to attend the Elite Ivy League Kindergarten for Ninjas like I was, but still, even the third-rate redneck kindergartens teach you how to share.

There are so many myopic idiots who’d kill the goose for an extra golden egg. Why on earth would you kick the goose’s balls, hurt its feeling, and kill it? If I had a goose like that, I hug it, feed it, and say nice things to it everyday.

Monday, August 2, 2010

this is repost of something I pulled long time ago

Jong is my real name. My grandpa consulted village elders to get this name, and it means great deeds at the break of dawn or something like that. I guess they wanted me to deliver milk or newspaper when I grew up. I have no idea how Asians fit so much meaning into one syllable. If you work at Burger King, and my dad comes up to you and says whoppaaaaa, give him the whopper combo meal extra cheese no tomato no mayo with diet coke, because that’s what he means.

I am terrible at naming things. I spazed out infront of the character creation screen, picked out the whitest blond belf, and gave it an Asian name. Luckily, I wasn’t on an RP server.

“Bal’a dash, malanore. I am High Arcanist Thesta’lonicleus of Eversong Woods. Where dost thou hail from?”

“Oh, herro Testicle of Nickle LOLs. I am the whitest blond belf. My name Jong Kung-Pow of Shaolin Wootang Tigers.”



“Uh… well… Al diel shala, and may the Gates of Sin’dorei be open for you, always.”

“Oh, ssang kyu. Extra egg foo-yong for you everyday too.

Friday, July 30, 2010

The Manner and Timing of Feedbacks

Sandy is an awesome pup I used to have in high school. He looks like a corehound except he has one head. He’s the best dog ever, but training him was so hard I almost thought about naming him Hemi, short for hemorrhoid.

When he humps on an unsuspecting guest’s leg, I don’t wait until the traumatized guest leaves to say things like, “Yeah Sandy, that was totally appropriate. Really, like Rico Suave smooth”, because a) he doesn’t understand sarcasm and b) he won’t remember the particular incident I’m referring to.

To make the lesson work, I have to kick the shit out of him right then and there to engrave humping stranger’s leg = getting slobber knocked across the room into his pitbull dps brain.

I don’t like fires, void zones, and other general bad things that tick away chunks of hp. The ticking mechanic places undue stress on healers for other people’s stupidity. Plus, if it CAN be healed through, the dps has no clue why he’s suddenly the center of sarcastic, angry post-fight evaluation. Muh? Huh?

I like Algalon’s void zones that shoot fiery geyser up your butt 50 feet into the air and one-shot you in a spectacular display of nubness. Embarrasingly crystal-clear instant feedback for all avoidable raid damage is what I’m talking about.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

10M Strict

If I were guildless right now, I find me a nice 10M strict progression guild. I would’ve applied to Hana’s guild. She was looking for a charming charismatic ret pally that can off tank and omg that’s me.

Normalized for head count and gearscore, I don’t think there are material differences in the level of technical difficulty between 10man and 25man contents. However, coordinating the schedule and focus of 25 people are exponentially more difficult than doing it with 10 people. Logistical and managerial challenges for 10 selfish bastards are a picnic compared to those for 25 selfish bastards.

To that end, 25 mans are way more difficult than 10 mans, but for the wrong reasons. I wanna be rewarded for my ninja reflexes and unparallel finger sliding skills, not for my abilities to play nicely with other people. I don’t care about them. I love me, and since they’re not me, I don’t care.

Fun fact for the EJ ret pally forum readers: Redcape, an undisputed authority figure in ret pally theory crafting, plays on my server and he’s part of Ogg Gulnath Tago, a ballin 10M strict progression guild ranked 11th in the world. These guys beat out people wearing heroic 25M gears through 10M contents.

I saw him sitting near dal bank and I pissed myself. I ran over to him and asked politely if he would please sign my spreadsheet, but he didn’t respond.

Fine you jerk. I prefer Bellator’s spreadsheet anyways.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

For the Horde

Pugging Pally did an allegiance survey. Although the sample size wasn't big enough to warrant definitive conclusions, I can't believe there are so many Alliances.

I play Alliance only because the best guild on guildland happens to be Alliance. I wanna be Horde so bad I'm seriously considereing financing the faction transfer for the entire guild.
To me, humans of Stormwind are central to Alliance creed and culture. They paint the picture of Western Christian military orders endorsed by the Roman Catholic Church around 12th century. Blizzard did ctrl+h to replace all reference to God with the Light. They also replaced Knights Templar spooning on horseback with Pallies bubble hearthing.

How am I supposed to draw any sense of pride or allegiance from this?

The Alliance battle cry--I guess the heroism sound effect?-- sounds to me like the cheers of teary-eyed teenagers swearing abstinence till marriage at Amy Grant concert.

The Horde battle cry starts with sick Double Bass War Drum solo and deafning vuvuzela. It ends with ah-woo ah-woo, the correct answer to King Leonidas' question: "Spartans, what is your profession?"


Dear King Slayers who knocked on Pike of the Shattered Sun:

I think people walking around with King Slayer is as annoying as people who put MBA on their business card. Take it off. Nobody cares about your lulz degree from some 2nd-rate business school.


Jong Hellscream, MBA
VP of Ah-Woo Ah-Woo

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

pally spell mage spell

I consider two factors when deciding which spells I like/don’t like: utility and coolness. For example, warrior charge (or intercept) is extremely useful and just about the coolest thing. So 10/10. Blood Lust? Ditto 10/10. While Heroism is as powerful as BL, its sound effect is male belf vidal sasson shampoo commercial ahhhhhh. So 8/10.

The worst spell under my rating system is Divine Shield. There’s no way anyone can be angry or maintain a gangster swagger while eating ice cream. Likewise, there’s no way anyone, not even Miles Davis, to be cool while sitting in a bubble. It sits on the left-most point of the cool spectrum and the very premise for ret pallies having to eat alone at the lunch table.

In PvP, it’s crazy op and widely regarded as unsportsmanlike conduct. In PvE, it’s slightly less useful than underwater breathing. I press it once a week to run through the upper spire air frogger. Other times, I keep it off action bar lest I accidentally trigger 50% damage reduction and 30-second wing lock out.

0/10 Divine Shield is the stupidest thing since the solar-powered flash light. Mrs. Lobred, my 10th grade English teacher said I should never have just one sentence in a paragraph, so there you go.

I, the JV Arcane Mage, am the Alpha and the Omega of raids. My ritual (of refreshment) signifies the commencement and my portal marks the end...except I keep running out of reagents for the Alpha and could never remember to put up the Omega.

Focus Magic is BALLIN’ YO. I like swapping it with another mage to make the warlocks feel isolated and neglected. I can’t rate it 10/10 because I had no idea I’d be receiving so many drama puppy dog eye whispers: Why didn’t you give it to me? I thought you cared = (

Spell Steal is off-the-knob 12/10. I love it. What's that gen vezex looking dude that makes you fight each other? That was the first "pvp" encounter on my mage, and I was pissing myself with joy. I ninja counterspelled the priest and stole the ret pallies' Seal of Command. I would have cleaved everyone to death if my staff skill wasn't 17/450.

You know those little flower dudes on the way to the rock boss in Nexus? They have +2% damage buff and it stacks. I built up a crazy buff and I would have annihilated the recount if I didn’t own myself. I thought I could break through spell reflect if I REALLY believed in it, but every stream of max-charged arcane missles bounced off boing-fwip boing-fwip boing-fwip and pwned me.

Monday, July 19, 2010


I spent Saturday researching and getting used to my fresh lvl 80 mage. So now, by the power and authority vested in me by the State of Connecticut DPS Assembly, I here by revoke the rights to make fun of ret pally rotation from all mages.

I don't mean to punish you. I'm trying to preserve your dignity and prevent you from sounding absolutely ridiculous: 1-1-1-1-2 laughing at FCFS is a tid bit more lulz than a melee hunter laughing at spellpower dks.

The rest of you may continue to make fun of ret pallies.

Deleted scenes from the director's cut:

Someone from Chiba, Japan keeps landing here by googling girl critoris. Which upsets me, because this blog is a sanctuary of class, elegance, and scholarly endeavors. I blame potty mouth Megan.

Watch my leet deductive reasoning skill at work:

a) The googler is a boy. He doesn't realize that girl is an unnecceary qualifier. In fact, he is unable to frame the question to narrow the search (e.g., where is...) because he doen't even know whether it's a person, place, or an idea.

b) There was no unintentional spelling error: he really thinks its spelled with an R. Given Asian's innate inability to pronounce L, he probably heard someone say something like "herro pretty rady, may I perform cunuringus on your critoris?" and wondered, ku-ri-to-ri-s... ku-ri-to-ri-s wa nan desu ka?

Thursday, July 15, 2010

think about it

Gevlon is letting us in on the secrets behind the glorious success of PuG the project guild. I read it all, and I am very much for instilling a sense of professionalism among raiders.

Still, I fell off chair laughing at this: "Retarded behavior like lol, gets you kicked."

At worst, retarded is hurtful, unnecessary, and ignorant. At best, retarded is way more childish and unprofessional than lol. Do you see the infinite irony?

Why don't you apply to my guild? Be mindful that lollable behavior like retarded will get you lolled.


He's far more constructive than his habit to call players "retarded" suggests.

I have no doubt, and I assure you, my lolling isn't indicative of my ineffectiveness either. I am slamming the arbitrary double standard. There's no logical reason for lol to be grounds for gkick while retarded is accepted as professional raiding lingo.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Just out of curiosity, I googled my real name, and the real me came up #7 on the search result. WTF, I thought, why aren't I #1? Then I remembered this wasn't recount.

I'm a huge proponent of RealID. I mean, relinquishing all my online and real-life activities to commit to corpse camping that jerkface just wasn't satisfying enough. With RealID, I can stop by Bob's Sporting Goods two blocks from the jerkface's house, get me a limited Barry Bonds signature edition Louiville Slugger, and RealBash out the jerkface's RealCarWindShield.... for... you know, stealing my saronite node.

Players are angry. Not wtf-nerf-ret-pallies angry. They are I-just-canceled-my-account angry. Unfortunately, I don't think Blizzard will budge. They are crazy. Not let's-paint-the-kitchen-red crazy. Tooth-paste-sandwich crazy.

I wouldn't be surprised if Michael Morhaime distributed an internal memo that goes like this:


In 1615, Galileo Galilei was denounced to the Roman Inquisition and sentenced to the second-degree torture for proposing the heliocentric view of the solar system. Today, he is widely regarded as the Father of Modern Science.

We will be questioned, mocked, and persecuted as we pioneer this revolutionary social network concept. I assure you, however, that five centuries from now, we will have our bust sculptures displayed at GameStops and be hailed as the Daddy of MMO.

You are revolutionaries trail blazing the network paths for the masses who are clearly incapable of seeing that the earth goes around the sun and RealID is awesome.

Take pride in this project, and whenever you are in doubt, look up to the clear blue sky and call my name: I'll be there.

Press on, Heroes.

Michael the Trail Blazer

While they're at this facebook idea, they should also consider the eHarmoy concept. Automatically match women up with creepos lacking social graces based on the patented 29 Dimensions of Compatibility, including Emotional Temperament, Cognitive Mode, Faction Preference, and Passive Buffs.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

the gnome casting animation

If you think about it, DPS, as in "LF 2 DPS ICC10" doesn't make any sense. I wonder how it got stuck.

"LF 2 DPS 2 TPS and 1 HPS, preferrably shaman PST"

"Dude, why are you looking for TPS and HPS? Don't you mean 2 Tanks and 1 Healer?"

"Yeah. TPS and HPS are units of measurement. It's not a person or a thing."

"What a nub. I bet he calls his car MPH and his microwave GHz."

"Maybe he meant he's Looking for Threat just like Johnny Lee was Looking for Love."
Sometime ago, I decided I want a caster dps.

So I rolled a lock. As I was rounding up the last series of quests in Dunmorg, I was struck with pangs of sadness-- I realized that my lvl 14 warlock has more offensive buttons than my lvl 80 ret pally. I know locks are pure dps and paladins are distilled diluted dps, but still.

Warlock is fun. It's all the dot dot dot dot set it and forget it Ron Popeil Showtime Rotisserie I expected it to be.

Here's why I don't wanna be a warlock though: Blizzard loves mages way more than they love warlocks. I think they feel that warlock dps has to be snubed because of its extremely powerful PvP utility spells. It's just a guess, but I'm sure there are many PvE warlocks who'd gladly trade in Howl of Terror, Fear, and Death Coil for a dps buff.

... Crap. I wanna talk about my mage now, but I don't know how to segueway into it.

Gnomes have the best casting animation. Throw your hands in the air! But your hands only come up to your ears!

I piss my pants when I see caster mobs, because I can't wait to counterspell them. I've gotten good with CS, but I'm still working on Frost Nova (I don't know how to time it, so I keep casting it when nobody's around. Every time I do that, I hear judgemental crickets chirping bro, why u trippin bro?) and Blink (Each time I blink, I have to zoom out and scan my camera angle cause I don't know where I am).

I'm only lvl 42, but I'm already worried about terrible things that'll happen when I hit 80.

The Council of Elron bestowed the burden of ring bearing to Elijah Wood and the burden of porting to mages. I get that. I accept the power and the responsibilities. But, how am I to handle 5000 scrubs soliciting unwanted whispers? can you port me to dal? are you happy with your current long distance carrier? can you port me to dal? I'm telling you right now, that's going to drive me absolutely fooking nuts.

I like sitting in one zone to finish all the quests. I don't like hopping around.

I finally decided to leave STV and check out Dust Wallow Marsh, because the quest givers would not leave me alone about Tabetha. Go speak with Tabetha. Have you spoke to Tabetha? Dude. Bro. Go see Tabetha. Oh btw, you need to speak to Tabetha.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

profanity filter

I was wondering why my guildies were censoring themselves on gchat. Does the new chat frame turn on the profanity filter by default?

I think it'd be way more fun if the censor replaces profane words with other real words instead of @#$(%^&.

You moth flutter! Rez me nao!


Suck on my deck and go "mmmm patio furnitures". Rez me NAO!


Ok, ok. I'm sorry rez me please.

You should really check out that entry in link. Black has to be the second funniest scrub I've ever seen. This guy wins:

[Scrub]: You stupid bg leader! Take this mark off my head now!

[BG Leader]: ...

[Scrub]: Take it off now!

[BG Leader]: Dude, that's Hunter's Mark.

Monday, June 21, 2010


After a disastrous VoA pug run, we sent ESPN’s Rachel Nichols down the vault for post-game interviews:

Why did you stand in fire?

A) This isn’t to say that my male Axilla (more commonly known as the armpit) is already producing irresistible amount of pheromone, but chicks are drawn to firefighters, super heroes, and generally speaking, guys who stand in fire.

B) I don’t know… Why did you stand in fire?... Why didn’t you turn on the dishwasher?... oh geez, you sound like my wife. I already feel dumb; you don't have to make me come up with a reason. I mean, can I just be stupid with no particular reasons? It’s not like I spent half an hour loading the dish washer and purposely decided to NOT turn it on just to mess with her.

Thursday, June 17, 2010


I went to Seattle’s Best for a cup of coffee. I also ended up getting a beautiful slice of cheese cake because it was sitting there motioning come hither cowboy. The stupid casher carelessly crushed the corner of my cake. “oops, tee hee hee sorry!” is all she had to say… I didn’t think it was funny. How about I crush your hopes and dreams too and then laugh at you. Would you like that?

Today, Kim asks:

"Would you dare mention being a WoW guild leader on a resume or at a job interview?"

Uh, yeah? Do you write your name on your resume?

Here are the winning tips from the NY Times Best Selling author of Lick that Glass Ceiling then Punch it in the Face:

Kimberly Dowd, The King Slayer, MBA is terribly unreadable. The proper format is King Slayer Kimberly Dowd. Be sure to omit ubiquitous (and irrelevant) academic designations (e.g., MBA) from the header.

When summarizing your key statistics, capitalize and for the love of dirka dirka Muhammad, do not abbreviate. Write "Defensive Rating Capped", not "def capped". This isn't trade chat.

Highlight achievements, not responsibilities. “Responsible for raid leading” is bad. “Strategized and coordinated devastating attacks against the Ice Crown Citadel, which lead to the complete annihilation of the Lich King and his yes-minions.”—good.


I think the article Kim linked has some merits. I can think of two particular people that I feel comfortable hiring in real life solely based on the phenomenal leadership, intelligence, and people skills they've demonstrated within WoW.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I raided for the first time in months

Boy, was I clueless and out of rhythm.

I was clocking in rock bottom on recount, and let me tell you, it's an awful feeling. I wonder how Rivs copes with such feelings of inadequacy day in and day out.

I'm gonna watch How Stella Got Her Groove Back so I can get mine back too.

In other news, I completed 4pc t10. I hate the way my awesome Ironforge tabard gets tucked into skirt. If Blizzard's read a single issue of GQ in the past 3 years, they'd know such fashion faux pas is as tacky as wearing open-toe shoes with no pedicure.

Are you guys following the World Cup? My enthusiasm for this monumental sporting event is just shy of going to work with a full face paint, but no one else seems to care. I heard back in 1994, half the Americans didn't even know they were the hosting country XD..... I used XD emoticon, which represents errmm... a laughing cyclops, to indicate how absurd that is.

You guys know Amtrak's Julie? It's an amazing voice-recognition phone tree system with just the right personal touch:

"Ok, did I heard you say from NY Penn Station to Washington DC Union station?"

"No Jong, there is no place called Kokomo."

Anyways, Bank of America's implemented a similar system too, except it's a dude. The thing is, if you wanna speak to a real person because you have a question that's NOT on the phone tree menu, it'll still take you through ridiculous loops. If that's ever the case, just start cursing right into the phone-- motherf***ing c0cksuc*king piece of sh1t c*nt--and it'll actually recognize you're pissed: "It sounds like you'd like to speak to a customer service representative."

It's important to enunciate those words. If you mumble, it'll just say, "I'm sorry, I didn't catch what you said."

Thursday, June 10, 2010

some blogger links

In case you didn't know, fire trucks don't yield to pedestrians. I know this for a fact, because I almost got run over by one just now.

In other news, my furniture is here! I ordered $1000 worth of stuff from IKEA, which is saying a lot. That's like ordering $50 worth of food at McDonalds.

is one of my favorite warlock bloggers with unparalleled enthusiasm for his class. He's that guy who interjects with WARLOCKS RULE!!!!! every chance he gets. His latest on how he capitalized on an unwitting enemy’s selfish, irresponsible acts.

Two new blogs to my list: Pugging Pally and Pugnacious Priest. There’s definitely going to be confusions arising from the ambiguous acronym.

“Hey dude, have you read PP today?”

“Which one? The present progressive one (i.e., pugging) or the belligerent, adjective one (i.e., pugnacious)?

I found Pugging Pally because she drew Anea’s awesome blog header.

I once mentioned that New Zealand is my favorite country from down under because it’s Gnomeaggedon’s homeland. Someone stood up, strongly disapproved, and said, “Oh yeah? Australia rules because Pugnacious Priest is an Australian!”…so I subscribed to the blog. I also like to add that Gnome is from New Zealand as much as Rivs is a warlock.

I like Euripedes' new home.

Whenever I’m confused or sad, I crank up Runaway Train and imagine myself walking down this path.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


I was walking back to my apartment from a local sports bar (GO Celtics). Rapidly forming storm clouds signaled an impending down pour, but I didn’t scurry, because I’m cowboy like that.

I was thoroughly drenched. I didn’t care; I’ll just take a hot shower and fix me up hot plate of fetucini alfredo. Some red wine and some Kelly Clarkson. Good to go.

A memo from the management office ruined my elaborate (and infinitely manly) evening plans:

Dear Resident,

The crew running the ground construction next to our building accidently decapitated the main water pipe with a fork crane. No water for you.

Luckily for all of us, this is merely a real-life scenario that only resulted in abruptly cutting off the water supply to hundreds of innocent people at the most inopportune time. If this were the World of Warcraft—god forbid—such carelessness would have surely resulted in a disastrous raid wipe.


This posed a serious problem. You see, I hate not getting cleaned up when I wanna get cleaned up. So, I took a “shower” with Lemon-scented Clorox Disinfectant Wipes. In the absence of running water, the extremely potent multi-purpose house cleaning chemical agents felt as good on my skin as baby wipes—except it stung really badly. It was all worth it: cleanliness is next to awesomeness.

Maybe it was the Clorox slowly seeping through my blood stream, but I was absolutely livid at the befuddled inadequate reject that brought this upon me. I have zero tolerance for other people’s incompetence (my generosity for my own incompetence is like Budah). NOT severing the concrete pipe with a fork crane is EASY. Here’s how you do it:

Step 1) Hop on the crane.
Step 2) Don’t sever the water pipe.

See? And I’m not even a certified operator.

Mom told me to count to ten whenever I find myself getting riled up, but that never works. I’m an efficient multi-tasker, which means I can count to ten and be pissed off at the same.

EDIT: I took out the bits on politics, because 1) I agree with shamerockgirl and 2) making a political statement on a wow blog is as appropriate as making a political statment at the dinner table on a first date.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


I found BBB’s latest post title--You are the wind beneath my wings-- to be somewhat ironic, because there was a time I didn’t know BBB well, but one of his entries was so good, I wanted to comment “Did you ever know you were my hero?”

I didn’t because, as you know, I’m an introvert and I have trouble expressing myself. I was also afraid he’d answer my rhetorical question with another rhetorical question Sgt. Hartman style: “Are you just sucking up to me or making a pass at me? Piss off! Sempre Fi!”

In conclusion, big bear turned out to be a super nice guy \o/

I rolled a hunter on Argent Dawn.

I tamed an awesome bear. Grimtooth, who I know has leveled at least three dorf hunters, suggested that bears make excellent leveling pet. “It’s like having a pocket pally,” he said. I thought this was funny. Pally AOE is so broken that people associate thunderstomping tenacity pets with pallies (remember BRK's Gorilladin tshirt?), even if the said pet happens to be a BEAR that comes with pet skills called Claw and Swipe.

I named my bear BigBearButt, the most iconic and unambiguous feral druid name I know, just to see if people would still come up and say: “Hey dude, I like your bear. Bears are cool; it’s like having a pocket pally, isn’t it?”

Bears are awesome leveling pets, not only because they tank real good, but also because they’ll eat ANYTHING in your bag—fish, cheese, bread, fungus, beef flavor ramen, margarita jello shots, etc. You probably won’t appreciate this unless you’ve had to run around in a panic state looking for a fish vendor shortly after realizing that your unhappy cat doesn’t like Parmigiano Reggiano. Go back to your country you uncultured American cat /dismiss.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Optimus would plug the crap out of that hole.

I reinstalled wow and logged in for the first time since February.

It seems like the life on Azeroth moved on just fine without me. The sun still rose, mortgage payments were made, and a new batch of odd-defying American Idol contestants were selected.

I rolled a lvl 1 warlock on Argent Dawn so I can apply to the prestigious hardcore raiding guild Single Abstract Noun. I tried whispering some members, but they told me to piss off and ignored me.... I'm okay, it’s just feelings, it’ll heal back.

I’m not ready to jump back into the raiding scene. I have to get used to the buttons and stuff. More importantly, I have to restore the killer instinct. I’ve lost that fire, and I’ve turned into this big casual pussy who don’t care about topping recount.

I ordered a custom body-length mirror to conduct the daily self-affirmation and fire restoration therapy:

You are Jong.
You are one handsome magnificent bastard.
You are, in fact, what Willis was talking about.
Yes you are.
And you will dance as if no one is watching.
Yes you will.

I enjoy reading Maureen Dowd’s op-ed. She wields rapier wit and mad opinionating skills:

One little hole a mile down on the ocean floor, so deep it seems like hell spewing up its sulfurous smoke, has turned the thrilling saga of “The One” into the gurgling horror of “The Abyss.” (Thank goodness James Cameron, the director of “The Abyss,” came to Washington Tuesday to help the administration figure out how to cap the BP well. What’s next? Sending down the Transformers and Megan Fox?)

She kinda looks like D, an impressive lady I work with who gets included in all the who’s-who list of the Wall Street. She said I was stupid and need more schooling (she really said that in so many words and hurt my feelings). I think women have the potential to be a lot meaner than men as managers. My theory is that they’re constantly playing Alanis Morissette’s You Oughta Know in their heads, which renders them incapable of feeling any remorse.

Friday, April 16, 2010

chocolate cake, girls, and submarines

My last hello post didn't make any sense. Why didn't anyone say hey dude this post doesn't make any sense? I'm starting to think you don't care. You don't EVEN CARE.

It's now time for Jong's Best of Spring 2010.

The Best Airport: DFW International. It's gigantic, but you can go from here to there on a skylink bullet train in no time. The computer lady who announces "the next stop is concourse B" sounds like the girl from Tankspot. I heard Ari has that soothing nerdy voice too.

The Best Country from Down Under: New Zealand. I used to think NZ was worthless, but now I love it, because it's Gnomeaggedon's homeland.

The Best Steak House Dessert: Smith & Wollensky's Drunken Donuts. I like it. Girls don't like it, because they don't like getting sugary powder all over their face. Their favorite seems to be Morton's Godiva chocolate cake; they'll take pictures of the cake from 20 different angles to upload on their facebook, and then only eat three bites.

....I have to digress here, because I really have to ask: why do girls go to the bathroom together? "Cathy, let's go to the bathroom!" "Okay!" They're all giggly about it too.


I'm thinking the toilet in girl's room operate like the nuclear torpedo launcher in Hunt For Red October: two people have to sit on it and synchronize the encrypted keys to flush it.

Let's say Darraxus and I happen to be dining at a swanky steakhouse with our dates. If I get up, walk up to him, and say "hey buddy, let's go to the bathroom" as I reach out my hand for his, what do you think his reaction will be?

A) Okay! tee hee hee hee hee

B) Why should I go with you? I'm not a "friendly helpful stupid social" who leveled to Grand Master Pissing to carry the M&S.

C) /cast [target=jong] Neck Punch (Rank 4)

It's probably C. I'll accept B. If it's A, I'll punch him in the neck and never talk to him again.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

I just remembered how therapeutic blogging can be

Hai gusy!

Job searching is kicking into high gears, and I think I'll be settling on something soon. I can't wait to get out of this town. They have great tacos here, but I could never get a decent hair cut; I asked for a professional looking interview cut but they got me the Mexican pastor cut.

I'm still recovering from a really bad interview I had last week. The interviewer was a freakishly smart guy and spoke with a heavy Eastern European accent. I bet he used to build nuclear bombs for USSR and made a career change into quantitative finance after reading the testimonials on monster dot com.

Did he bust my balls?

Nope, he blew them into smithereens. The left nut kinda blew up right in its place. The right one shot off, ricocheted into the corner baseboard, and rolled under the table.

"Here," he said after kindly picking it up and dusting it off, "I believe this belongs to you."

I walked out of the room quivering. I haven't walked like that since I was circumcised in 4th grade.

It's stupid, but I often find myself forming an opinion of a group because of one person. Because of Bruno, my former colleague, I think the entire country of Portugal is AWESOME.

Bruno was fresh out of school with a PhD from UCLA. He was also pretty fresh off the boat and had difficulties with American slang. Screw Driver was his drink... with grey goose, I think.

I remember this one night we were working on a project together past 10 pm.

"Yes! FUCK YES!" I yelled as I banged the desk. "We got it Bruno! This is it! Awww shiiiit, we're gonna get some vodka and OJ tonight!"

"Yes Jong!"

/high five



"I know O is for orange, but what does J stand for?"

Last week, I asked my GM to change my rank status to non-raider (I'm a dirty casual now). I also let Megan know that I won't be blogging anymore. It wasn't an easy decision, but at least I waited until after February 14th. I've had lots of preemptive early December break-ups to avoid incurring costs for Christmas and Valentine's Day.

Hwa Mulan was the best BAD movie I've seen lately. Chinese made a real movie out of Disney's Mulan. It was a low budget epic-scale movie, so the epic battle scenes only had 20 guys in it with recycled extras: "hey, didn't that foot soldier die at the last battle? twice?"

Anyways, there's a scene where Hwa Mulan kicks the living shit out of three guys in a barrack. She was like nuh-uh, you can't Tai Chi this and owns everyone. I thought, holy crap, that's Megan.

I told her about it and she said I make her sound like a vicious person.

"Well," I said, "but she only flips out when it's GO time. Other times, she's a big softy girly girl who cries for her friends and family-- DADDY, WHO DO YOU LOVE THE SECOND MOSTEST?"


"She secretly volunteered her service into army so her sick father can stay home."

I've had a blast with Forbearance. Thanks for the good times and memories.


Monday, February 15, 2010

Blueprint (part I)

"We are, yah I said it we are."


I once took a really basic architectural drawing class.

I was pretty terrible at it. It started off with easy stuff like point of perspective and scaling, but then as the course went on it turned out to be more math and crap I didn't really care about.

When I say pretty terrible, you're prolly thinking one thing.. I'm telling you right now, you're undershooting.

I used "pretty terrible" because everyone downplays their weaknesses and shortcomings and dammit, I won't stand to be left out standing alone from what the crowd does---that'd be pretty terrible.

For reasons that God only knows, a game of 9ball with a few beers and half decent music, I shoot just fine. But turn all that into some paper, a straight edge and a mechanical pencil and I want to shoot myself.

I did learn this though---if for whatever reason, you find yourself in a position where you drawing a straight line of some sort (and no, line of coca doesn't count) means the difference between:

1) everyday business as usual
2) bridge collapsing and the killing of innocents

..well, you're in that position, so draw a straight line fucker. That line better turn out so straight that Avenue Q looks like Avenue DIGITAL CLOCK ZERO with a FIVE O CLOCK shadow. There's uhm, a lot riding on that line you see.

I messed this one blueprint up pretty terribly. The teacher told me I just killed dozens of commuters because I couldn't draw a straight line---I wasn't even a Warlock back then.


There are 3 general "throwaway" answers I read on forums/blogs/bumper stickers when it comes to discourse about PVP and/or PVP vs PVE related topics.

Of course it comes from diff people/sources and the word usage varies but they can be generously paraphrased as:

"I don't like PVP."

"I'm bad at PVP."

"I don't mind PVP, but I prefer PVE."

On one hand, it's not my job to make you like what you don't like, force you to do something you're bad at. That's your mother and raidleader's job.

On the other hand, I bring it up because those 3 throwaway answers are throwaway for a reason---they are built upon lines that weren't straight to begin with, they are the results of shoddy planning, skimped materials and subpar construction.

Throwaway wasn't conjured by clever Mages or crafty Warlocks. It speaks for itself---throwaway, garbage. Why are you spewing garbage?

That's a pretty terrible blueprint, and I'm not even just talking about PVP or WoW even. In any situation if you find yourself giving a throwaway answer that is based off of nothing but feelings or shallow experience, well, you didn't even deserve to hear the question in the first place.

I read a lot on forums and blogs how everyone wants "mature and adult" participation and "civil and constructive" comments---yet I see throwaway answers left and right.

I don't know about you, but I'm an adult---part of being an adult is when you carry the responsibility that follows the answers you give. Part of being constructive is when you actually construct something that is built to last for eternity.

It starts with a straight line and sooner or later, you'll run this town.


Now that I've made a pretty terrible post while the rest of the WoW blogging world is going off on secret fadmirers---stay tuned for part II in which I'll explore some of the answers you should've considered all along.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

shadowmourne and the 1st interview

As we were buffing up to make the initial pull, the GM announced, “Okay, Bobby and Sammy are the two winners of the Shadowmourne Raffle! Grats guys.”

Uhm….what? What raffle?

I checked the guild forum in a panic, and apparently, there was an epic thread entitled “The Official Shadowmourne Raffle” that’s been going on for two weeks.

When I flip open a Yoplait carton and see Please Try Again message, I just think, oh, Yoplait is having a contest I’m not aware of and I couldn’t care less. I can’t say the same about missing out on this one.

There were five viable candidates, but the two winners won the raffle uncontested. The DK deferred his entry, because he can’t make all the raids for the next few weeks. The other ret pally is a really selfless guy and he passed the prized loot to others. I just had no clue. I’m sitting here licking off blue berry yogurt off the aluminum foil.

Since my company blew up last November, I’ve been living the dreams. Last week, I decided drinking single malt scotch and playing wow all day is totally overrated.

I’ve been busy interviewing lately.

My pup Sandy can sense stuff real good. He knows whether you are scared of him or you like him. You cannot let him zone in on your weakness. I explain to house visitors that dogs are pack animals and packing order (I’m the Alpha Jong, which means I’m the only one allowed to hump cushions in this household) is important to them; you’ve got to establish your position firmly without pissing him off. Otherwise, he’ll cast decimate and chop your legs off, kk?... what a vague and ambiguous pitbull survival guide.

Interviewers will sense out weakness within 12 seconds. I can’t let them do that, because then they’ll fire at will. I’ve got to go in there and respectfully instill fear in their hearts. The fear of backfiring—what if I ask this question, he delivers with flying colors, then asks a follow-up question that I can’t answer and I’ll look stupid? I’ve got to make them put their guards up and hesitate throwing bomb right hooks.

Interview #1

In my hotel room, 25 minutes to the show. The company lobby is just across the street.

I stood before the mirror and addressed the Mont Blanc pen cap peering atop the shirt pocket one last time:

“What did Mufasa say to Simba? Remember who you are. You are Jong, the illest ret pally they never known. You’ve read every economic commentary from every investment bank. You’ve dog-eared their 150-page 10k filing. You can recite the attack power coefficient for judgment seal procs. Eye of the fucking tiger. Let’s DO THIS.”

Just as I bent down do apply one final buff to my shoe, I heard the ominous thunderous rip. RIIIIIIIIPPPPPP!

My pants.

It was ripped, and I’m not talking about just a little bit. The seam was busted open from the waist line all the way down to my crotch. I turned to assess the damage in the mirror and the red and yellow sunflowers on my boxer were waving hi at me.

I thought about calling in to cancel the interview, but what I do say? I regret to inform you that I won’t be able to make the appointment today unless you consider Adidas sweat pants and wing tip shoes appropriate business attire.

I decided to wing it.

I’ll just pretend it’s one of those disguise quests—I can interact freely as long as I don’t let anyone see my behind. I’ll stand with buttcheeks firmly clinched and if my cover is ever compromised, I’ll act really surprised: holy crap! how THAT happen?

It was a 5-hour interview and I never got up. I’ll tell you about interview #2 later.

Making bad decision is bad, but making no decision is worse. Your pants are ripped and you just happen to be wearing an underwear that cannot be taken seriously in any former business setting. What course of action would you have taken if you had 15 minutes to execute whatever plan you came up with?

The Bossy Spoon and the Giant Pally compiled a pally blog list. I'm offended that this classy & elegant blog is in the same category as Antigen's blog (pronounced an-TEE-gen).

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Eyesore, Earscore

"Sense us."


My Eyes and Ears have been subpar lately.


Try doing /who Jong.. yah, same thing I get, where the eff is he?

All last week I kept my eyes on the back of milk cartons at Trader Joes to make sure, you know, nothing dramatic happened.

Nada zip.. oh I know, he must just be busy rerolling for Gevlons raid in blues project. He had mentioned to me before his interest in it:

"I want to join Gevlon in his crusade that everything can be done in just Blues."
"Oh? To show everyone that it just comes down to hardwork, skill, patience and dedication?"
"Nah---if everyone else is in Blues, I totally have a shot at getting the legendary axe."

Well ok.. I was relaxing last night in my usual way (alcohol) and it struck me---it's not milk cartons you dummy.. you've been looking in the wrong places..

So I spazzed out and flipped it over like my name was Rohan in a 3d vehicle fight, and there on the back label..


Do your part. When the servers come back up and you first login today, go into a city and try /2 ANYONE SEEN JONG? HES MISSIN

CAPS are important btw---everyone knows that no one reads stuff in trade unless it is in CAPS.

It's sort of like every time I read one of Tama's posts---it's so wordy that I just skip to all the stuff in CAPS and endup making 1 long runon sentence with just those words.

I say the incoherent string of CAPS babble to myself, studdering and stammering so terribly that even my Canto speaking friends DENY me invites to their raid convos because my Earscore is just way too low.

You may call it failing at reading comprehension or just plain laziness, I call it I just got doublehaste procs with heroism up, the boss is at 19%, it's Stammer of Wrath time.

Anyway, spam trade, get ignored/banned, whatever---it's for one greater purpose, making sure our beloved Jong is found safe. Record all responses and we'll get to the bottom of this!

Friday, February 5, 2010


"Ya'll wanna party like we do?"


Do you know what happens when addons go out of control? The stars align and the universe is never the same.

Critoris has just assaulted the lumber mill.

In case that doesn't settle in right away, I'll break it down for you. Like Texas, there's only 2 things that come from the lumber mill:

1) Wood.

2) Elemental Shammies jolting electricity through peoples bodies and then shooting them off a cliff with a concentrated storm of thunder. Those unfortunates then have to hit release and wait a bit before swinging back into action with full HP an---wait a sec..


So Arthas is dead.

I don't really know what happened in regard to the drama kill---I've read a few things here and there but the fact is the stars aligned and the universe isn't the same anymore, so I can't trust any of you. I'll trust Star mag though.

Can always trust aline from Star.


I do know this though. Jong made fun of my Pally for being an engineer at some point. Oh, nice aviators. Now why don't you engineer this Lego Star Wars Death Star in the corner over there like a good lilgirl and leave the real DPS to me. And make sure it looks like a moon.

A whole guild got banned because of Engineering. No one got banned because Jewelcrafting and Blacksmithing.

It's like going into an airport. The more jewelry you wear, sure the security check in becomes more annoying. If you've got extra socket holes in your pants, maybe you'll get some weird looks because you're either a deviant or you overpaid for yuppie Diesel jeans.

Bring a Saronite bomb though and there's gonna be drama.

"Oh, you silly non minmaxer. JC/BS is #1 for dps professions."

"That Ensidia Rogue threw more bombs than Funkmaster Flex and djkool combined. Arthas is dead and now that the universe is no longer the same---let my clear my throat, JC/BS stands for Just Cut the Bull Shit."


Friday, January 29, 2010

The Four C's

"I'm going to go with what is Crowd Control and Coordinated Cooldowns, Alex."


So Blizz made me into a liar cause Season 8 didn't start yet. Another week of being bored out of my mind.

To cure some of the boredom, I started on my taxes. I realized that in the past year, I've spent way too many Arena and Honor pts.


My RL (also my Arena Shammy) got that funny Abacus trinket. I lost the roll on it, but I didn't get mad---it's very fitting because he's an accountant IRL and just recently farmed his way into CPA exalted rep (GRATS).

I don't really know the diff. between a CPA and a non CPA, but I'm sure it has to do with the amount of gang signs he can flash out and how much whitegold he can floss on his calculator wristwatch.

The Abacus cost him no DKP because the whole guild is trying to butter him up into doing their taxes.


Forbearance is up to 89 followers. I don't think Jong cares anymore, but he should, even if half of that number is really Gnomeaggedon's alts.

I am going to go on a mini promo spree soon on forums to get more readers.

I guess I'll have to break down and register up at MMOChumps soon. Anyone know what kind of medical shots I need before I go there?


I am going to share with you a pair of rules that I go by, you might know them already by the Four C's.

The Four C's are:

Cash Carry
Cook Clean

The Four C's is merely a variation of the Two B's, which you might be more familiar with:

I Buy, You Bag

I prefer the Four C's over the Two B's. It's really a preference.

Just as long as you stop right there in the pattern, don't even think about going to the Six D's.

There's no reason to---the Six D's are either back problems for some poor girl named JennyJuggs or 20bucks worth of batteries to power some worthless CrashinThrashinRacer.

Anyway, back to Cash Carry Cook Clean:

If I'm out raiding liquor store with my friends or family, or maybe running a random heroic club with strangers, I default to the Four C's to help me navigate the social waters.

The basic premise is if I use the cash, you do the carrying, or viceversa.

So if we're out because we need more beer/liquor for the party and I'm fronting the money, well I hope you bowflexed this morning---cause the only muscles I'll be using are to put my dainty Coach wallet back into my D&B bag and looking damn good at it.

Do not mistake Cash/Carry as a "you owe me" entitlement, it isn't a "I paid so you do the grunt work, SLAVE" attitude. It's merely an invitation for everyone involved to give and take, to take a part. Team effort.

Consider what happens if I lay out the cash AND do the carrying. Sure, it was my treat, but on the way back to the party I'm going to feel bitter and not enjoy our spoils of war---why, because while my wallet is lighter, my hands are heavier lugging this bag of alcohol in 4inch heels.

You worthless sack of shit freeloader, wtf---I'm totally screenshotting this and sending it to Morons of the Week.

It's very important to practice give and take on a daily basis, and Cash/Carry helps all involved do it the RIGHT way. Do not fall into the trap of thinking that giving is somehow a higher form than taking, or that it allows and A-OK's for superiority complexes in a relationship.

That sort of thing just leads to bitter resentment which defeats the whole point of giving in the first place. I GIVE SO MUCH AND YOU DONT DO YOUR PART, WTF. IM ALWAYS TANKING, IM ALWAYS HEALING, RAWRWRAWAGFSagFSGA.

Uh, the only giving you're doing is giving out poison, don't you know that poison (nova) kills me?

Do you know that most of the problems that people bicker about with each other in social situations stem from give and take? And not from the lack of give and take---it's the incorrect way give and take is handled. Marriages, work relationships, WoW raiding/Arena, hotdamn.

Cash/Carry people. If you learn how to give and take in a team environment, free of entitlement and resentment, knowing the subtle difference between when it's your turn to lay out cash or do the carrying, then we can all get back to the party faster and rdy to rock.

Oh and you guys are smrt. I don't need to extend this to Cook/Clean at this point. Half of you are wiki'n JennyJuggs anyway and not even going to read this---I hate u all.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Thought on tanking


My guild has cleared everything in tbc and wotlk with two warrior tanks (our cat druid goes bear for 3-tank fights). There were times when we had to be a little creative, but running with two warriors has never stopped the show.

I don’t like drawing conclusions from one anecdote, but I think the “need” for ideal/preferred tank class for specific encounters is perception, not reality.


I had to tank the 10-man run yesterday, because the bastards in the other 10-man group saved all of our tanks. I don’t get to do this very often, so I was all wrong going into ICC-- Skittles socketed into belt, helmet on my feet, shield on my head, etc. The action bars weren’t even set up. The hunter pulled threat off me on trash, and I opened Cooking window instead of taunting.

The blood queen hits a lot harder than the stuff I’m used to tanking (i.e., UK trash and Frozen Tundra Penguins). My face’s all busted and I feel like the way I felt the day after I tried kissing the Mack truck hurling down the road.


If you follow Gevlon closely, you know he’s adamantly against “stam-stacking idiot tanks”. He’s a huge proponent of avoidance > stam.

Apparently, some dude stormed a thread in MainTankadin claiming his 5-yr experience says armor > stam and that numbers, facts, and data are not necessary to prove a point.

... yeah, seriously, you uber nerds who build partial diffusion models in MATLAB to calculate the probability-weighted impact of surprise buttsecks! Why are you trying to taint the truth with things like “facts” and “data”? My theories are from right here, the bottom of my heart. What did Bruce Lee say? Don’t think. Feel.


Why do they believe stam stacking is necessarily dumb? I don’t know much about tanking, but doesn't the optimal tank stat vary by fight? As in, is it slow big hits or fast small hits? Is it physical damage or magic damage?

I’m a scrub, so my equipment manager has ONE tank set called FrozenTundraPenguins, but Wrathy has many different sets: EH, Block, Anub, HP, Avoidance, Threat, etc.

I know HP is Hewlett Packard… not sure what EH stands for though.


EH can best be related to EPEEN---while DPS EPEEN all over the place to see who's on top, EHARMONY is what tanks use to make their healers feel like specialflowers when the tanking/heals click together.

Trust me, I know what I'm talking about---I storm forums all the time.

Monday, January 25, 2010

How Convenient

"We like ourselves, don't we?"


Has this sort of thing hit your server yet?

It's an upgrade from the LVL1 corpse spam that spells goldselling URLs like "susanlovesu" and ""---usually near the bank/AH of a busy city.

This was apparently some botting program that controlled LVL1 dorfs and shifted them in formations (in midair) to spell out the URL. They were zipping around in front of Ironforge bank like it was Top Gun and they had bodychecks they couldn't cash. Actually I don't even know if that quote is from topgun, but Jong will pull this post later anyway so no one will know if I'm wrong.

The "midair" part was the freakiest---they had no visible buffs like levitate. I know the pic makes it hard to tell but I wanted to more importantly capture the "G" for 2 reasons:

1) The "G" obviously is the more important letter because it is a GOLDselling service. If they happened to be selling something else, like girlscoutcookies or gHarmony accounts (that's like eHarmony, but for goblins), I'd choose a diff---actually, G is pretty solid.

2) I wanted to be able to do the following, the final nail in the coffin from this post, gg:

But yah, wow. They got a serious upgrade in advertising.. and it's much more organized. The goldsellers must have an evil, dastardly ringleader now, a new frontman that organizes their efforts.

But who? Who can control masses of mindless LVL1 Dorfs to put up URLs and messages in a public sphere that is visible to all?

I wonder..


New Arena Season 8 this coming Tues! YAY!

I was very bored this week---no Arena. I also had to sitout for 25raids due to overflow.

ICC10 for me was a blur that involved killing festerface, rotgut, 1 wipe on Professor Petridish and 1bottle of wine.

If you play Arena, I'd like to wish you goodluck! If you don't and loathe PVP in anyform, I hope you like my upcoming posts slated for this month as I promised earlier.

Modified quote from legendary NAT SHERMAN:

"A man's GEAR will tell you if he has raided. His GEMS/ENCHANTS, if he has read EJ.

But if you want to know if he's a SPORT, see if he's wearing a good RATING."