Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Hi. I hate maintenance days. I'm gonna go fix me some ramen.

The guild I'm applying to has a pretty rigorous recruitment process:

1) written application
2) vent interview
3) 2 test raids
4) 3-week trial membership

I'm in the final phase. I think I'm gonna make it. These guys are great. Last week, I participated in their fist fire fighter kill. I love that fight. It's like Razhel beatbox break down. The beat, base, chorus, fire, mines, and shock blast all at the same time. The whole fight, I was telling myself, I am a butterfly. Yes, I am, because butterflies never die to shock blast.

I'm slowly getting acclimated to the alliance cultures. You know what sucks? Heroism sucks. The first time I heard it, I couldn't even hear it.

Hero in five!
3...2...1..... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

Are you shittin me? What the belf pally vidal sassoon shampoo commercial anticlimactic bullshit is ahhh?

I'm not a machine. I'm an emotional being, so you've got to inspire me. Blood Lust goes GOO AH LAR LAR LAR LAR LAR LAR. We be flippin OUT, yo. It's GO time. Blow your cool downs and feel the power of Ninja Turtle base. go ninja go ninja go.

In other news, my orc warrior became a dwarf warrior. and he's northrend status. I love this guy. The thing is, when I'm on pally, I can't charge. When I'm on warrior, I can't heal myself.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Origin of Mao-dun

My kid brother Scutum is one the fiercest fighters I’ve ever seen, but he is rather uncultured and unrefined. I’ve been making efforts to expose him to finer things in life, because I don’t want him to turn out to be like our cousin Garrosh.

Today, after the calligraphy class, I took Scut to Thunderbluff.

Scutum: Jong, I think I drank too much ink. I’m dizzy. Isn’t Thunderbluff an Indian reservation? Are we scoring weed?

Jong: No. We’re going to pay tribute to the elders. I want you on your best behavior, okay?

Scut: zug zug.

My favorite elders were hanging out on the Spirit Rise, arguing over something as they always do.

Elder Twinklehoof: Yes, I DID.

Elder Spoontotem: No, you DIDN’T. You’re full of shit. It doesn’t even make sense.

THoof: I’m not lying. I DID TOO HAVE THEM.

STotem: Nuh uh.

THoof: Yuh huh.

These two elders are renowned old warriors who fought aside the founding fathers of Durotar. I visit them to seek their wisdom whenever I’m confused.

Jong: Hi guys, what are you two arguing about?

STotem: Hey Jong. Well, this old fool says he used to wield the [Unbreakable Shield of IMBA] and [Unstoppable Spear of ROFLMAO].

THoof: That’s right! My shield was so sturdy that no spear could penetrate it! My spear was so sharp that no shield could stop it!

STotem: See what I mean? How can the two things co-exist? You’re contradicting yourself with your lies!

THoof: No, I’m not!

Jong: Gentlemen, gentlemen, please….well, let's just find out.

STotem: Find out what?

Jong: Let’s see what happens when the Unstoppable Force collides with the Unbreakable Matter.

THoof: How are we going to do that?

Jong: I will punch Scutum’s face with my fist.

STotem: Great idea!

THoof: Yeah, let’s see it!

Jong: Scut, get in Defensive Stance.

Jong: Ready?

Scutum: Wait, wait…okay, zug zug.

Jong: hoooooo…. HADOUKEN!

WHAM

Jong
: OW OW OW, my hand! My hand!

Scut: …

Scut: Sorry Jong, I didn’t mean to hurt you.

Jong: Yes you did you Anal [Chew Toy], you broke my fist with your face.

Scut: Sowwwwyyy. Are you okay?

Jong: No, I’m not okay you big-tongue baby. We tell orphan matron on you.
================================


The Chinese word Mao-dun, which literally translates to Spear-Shield, means self-contradicting or contradictory. The word arises from a weapons vendor who insisted that his shields were unbreakable and his spears unstoppable. The vendor was stompped when a bystander suggested to see what happens when he strikes the shield with the spear.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

hakunamatata

Here’s an advice to all clueless social rejects.

When you’re at the blackjack table, play the cards out under strict assumption that the dealer has a face card. You play this way to maintain the house edge at below 3%.

Similarly, when you’re interacting with others in wow, assume that all female belfs, including Ferraro, are 42-year old tax attorney from Cincinatti, Ohio. He’s bald. He has hairy nipples and triple-decker java the hut chin. If you were to lift his man boobs, you’ll find potato chips, movie ticket stubs, and all kinds of delicious grubs for Timon and Pumba. You play this way to keep yourself from pulling stupid shit like this:
===============================
I’m back in the game. I’ve transferred to a new server on the ALLIANCE side.**

Jong the belf pally is no more. I’m a human paladin now.

Human pally is excellent from the min-maxing stand point, but it’s terrible for blogging. It used to be… “Hellooooo, I’m a belf ret pally!”….that’s all I had to say, and it’d be hilarious. Now...Hi! I’m a human!… yeah, and? Humans have no personality. I think I’ll go dwarf.

**I changed server and faction to apply to an uber guild. My horde guild was uber too, but they raid 12 am – 3 am local time and I couldn’t commit to the schedule anymore.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

If I had Prince Al'walweed's Money: Part 2 Updated

From Part 1...

I'll hire all my sexy readers. All of you. Your job is to sit there, eat bon bons, and play wow with me.

I’d like to expand on this a bit.

1) We’ll be a pretty big guild and there will be NO drama. People who get into drama will have their penis decapitated with a rusty spoon dirka dirka Muhammad Jihad style.

2) Everyone one of us will be a brick in a brick house. If we throw individual bricks at Yogg, he’ll laugh. But, if we stack them bricks and build a huge-ass brick house and drop that on his face, it hurts. We execute as one unit and we do whatever the raid leader tells us to do. If the rl calls for field goal on 1st & 10, we kick the field goal. Anyone who says things like “that’s dumb” or “why don’t we try…” or anything like that… dirka dirka Muhammad.

3) I don’t wanna be the raid leader or the GM. I don’t wanna deal with formulating strategies, raid composition, or any other administrative stuff. I’m a lazy deeps and I just kill skull.

For GM role, I’d appoint someone with proven track record of leading a big guild through end-game contents. Matticus comes to mind. The only thing about Matt is that he looks like a big wobbly teddy bear and I’m skeptical whether he can instill fear in people’s hearts. During ready checks, I need someone to yell out stuff like “on my command, unleash hell”, and you can’t do that in Barney’s voice.

I want a solid range dps to be the raid leader, this is because range dps has visuals on the entier raid movement/positioning and has much higher margin of error than those of tanks/healers.

4) All gems and enchants will be guild-provided. So, I’ll hire Gevlon as the guild gold fund manager. He says stupid things and pisses me off, but his investment acumen and market discipline is legit.

5) I’d hire Averna and Ferraro, just so Averna can have the first set of legendary fragments.

6) Slayton, Markco (he runs JMTC), Hana, and Rafa will be required to form a 5v5 arena team with me and carry me through 1800+ rating. I want the furious mace. All other ret pallies have furious mace and they don’t let me join in the reindeer games. It’s bullshit. Antigent will be required to put his furious mace in the bank and run around with something like Sonic Spear until I get my mace. It’s not that I’m bad at PvP. It’s just that I treat everything like UK trash. I do insane dps, but I only excel at dpsing down stationary targets that don’t sheep and stun me. I also operate on an “agro table”--I just go after whoever pisses me off the most.

7) On our off nights, I’d like to take the Elite Paladin Rangers to try all-pally 10-man ulduar hard modes.

MT: Akroma--We’re gonna make her believe in herself. It’ll be so entertaining.
OT: Stoico (Raid Assist)-- He’s got lots of hard mode experiences and I need someone to fraps the fights so I can send the videos to my mom.

DPS: Antigen, Alex, Firespirit, Rex, Jong. Ret pallies are extremely territorial. That means I better not find your pubic hair stuck on my toilet and I’m not getting outdps’ed by another ret pally. You better bring everything you got, because I’m busting out my yoga mat and Zig Ziglar audio book. The last person on recount will be demoted to range dps status, which means you’ll be assigned to Mimi’s head in phase 4 and Crusher Tenacles in Yogg.

Healers: Lance, Rafa, HP (Raid Leader). Omg this is a sick healing group.

8) Of course I want mages. I want 3 mages in the raid so we can play portal roulette. Dirka dirka jihad for any mage that gets outdps'ed by a ret pally on single-target fights.

9) I want 3 warlocks too. Any warlock that gets outdps'ed by a mage... quit wow and play DotA with me. A good friend of mine plays warlock. He wispers, "Jong step out with me for a sec" in the middle of the raid. I zone out of ulduar, he challenges me to a dual, and starts sucking the life out of me. I thought it was odd, because 1) he's a serious player who never goofs around during go time; and 2) I didn't know he was only trying to get reagents.... so I hammer of justice him and burst him down. He laughed and called me a nub.

10) I want two resto shamans. There's nothing like a good resto shaman. I choose khaelie and spaghetti. Please synchronize blood lust with my Avenging Wrath.

11) Of course I'd hire Darraxus and Ixo. I need people to eat sausage egg cheese mcmuffin and drink Guiness with me at 10:30 AM without judging me.

12) Despite lacking gears, Bell recently got into an ubber guild. I wasn't surprised, because as Rivs' noted, traits separate the best raiders from chumps. I'd hire Ari without even looking at her armory. You know why? The toughest part of PvE is playing with other Players--playing aginst the Environment is easy. I'd hire anyone who's successfully led an 18-hour pug naxx and downed kel'thuzad, where people were gquitting and hearthing in the middle of the run.

13) Good interrupts wins games. We need rogues. I want two rogues, so I can outdps them and give them inferiority complex. I don't know any rogues though... yeah I do, I choose Sideshow and Embalmo. I don't know these guys, but given Syrana and Kim's elegant taste, I bet they are classy guys and good looking too. fyi, I'm nototious for rolling on leather with +agil & +exp.

14) hmmm... I change my mind about #13. Rogues have to earn their raid spots just like everyone else. It doesn't matter who your wife, boyfriend, or husband is. Oh, your daddy is Billy Ray Cyrus? I DUN CARE Miley, but can you sign my poster?

15) the list keeps going... and isn't this such a creative way to link bunch of people?