Monday, August 31, 2009

MUI FTW

I never wear tight briefs, because I’m a min-maxer. According to the 1998 research published by Dr. Gary Karasinski of Johns Hopkins University, tighty whities interfere with cooling of testes, which may lead to reduction in sperm count and concurrent reduction in SoV damage. I don’t mind the risk of infertility, but I cannot compromise my dps.

I never wear silk boxers either. They ride up and get wedged in butt cheeks.

A friend of mine says she has more than 40 pairs of underwear. She also says she’s thrown away a perfectly good pair of underwear either because it’s out of season or it doesn’t have a matching bra. Are you kidding me? Let me tell you something right now: No man, and I mean NO MAN, will ever see you strip down and turn you down because you don’t match—wtf woman, are those from 2008 Winter Magic collection? I’m outta here. Don’t call me.

I never throw away my boxers. I have a pair I bought during 2002 World Cup and it’s so torn that I’ m the only one who can tell the leg hole from the waist hole. And I’ll keep it as long as it’s functional.
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NPD Group, a major consumer research firm, has proposed that Men’s Underwear Index (MUI) may serve as a notable economic indicator. The theory sounds ridiculous, but it’s been vetted by former Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greespan. Men’s underwears are credible explanatory variable, because it’s need-base commodity susceptible to prolonged purchases. They can’t use women’s underwear to draw meaning correlations, because women will starve themselves before they wear raggedy panties.

Here’s the economic outlook per MUI:

This year, the index is expected to fall 2.3%. Next year, the forecasted sale will fall another 0.5%. However, the deceleration of the rate of decline (from -2.3% to -0.5%) is a promising sign for the economic recovery.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Ambiguous Acronyms FTW

I have a teenage sister. Once she gets on the phone, it's minimum 2 hours of pointless yelping. The other day I saw her answer the phone and hang up within 30 minutes.

"Holy jeebus Lauren, why did you get off so fast?"

"Huh? Oh, it was wrong number."

I was fishing dragon fins. Lauren got all up in my face. My fish got away, which means it was a beat-down time. I put up seal of the pimp and judged a backhand slap across her face. Unfortunately, she parried my attack, gained a temporary haste boost, and landed two hateful strikes on my neck. It hurt.
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I remember this one time in high school. I ran home and insisted that I really need Air Jordan III's right now.

"but MOMMMMM, I have shin splints and the school nurse said I need Air Jordan's to relieve this unbearable pain!" /grabs thighs in agony OUCH OUCH

"You don't know where your shins are do you? Your sneakers are fine."

"but MOMMMM, these don't have perforated toes for breathability and rubber outsole for traction! What if a car comes at me and I can't pivot and tumble fast enough because I have no traction? Do you want me to get run over by a car?"

Next week, I ran home again demanding that we go try general hardmode RIGHT NOW.

"MOMMMM I really need me Voldreathar. This blue glow hurts my eyes and hinders my ability to solve differtial equations. Do you want me to get a B in Calculus? I need soothing orange glow."

My mom used to buy me everything I want, so now I get her whatever she wants. I got her a $1800 prada handbag for her birthday. If she wants another one for Christmas, then she's getting another one. I will NOT ler her get outdpsed by her friends.
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BRK drinks raspberry latte. You know what that means, right? Yep, I'm gonna start drinking raspberry latte too, because that's what champions drink. Drinking raspberry latte does not mean you don't have balls; it just means you're really secure about your manhood.

I went to startbucks and ordered venti raspberry latte. The cashier wrote RZ L on the plastic cup and passed it on to the barrista.

He made me a venti Raspberry Lemonade. Uh, wrong answer, please try again, I told him.

The barrista barked something at the cashier--it's LT for Latte, Jamie!-- and made me a latte.

So, now I have lemonade and latte. I win.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

IPA FTW

Hai gusy!

I hope everyone had safe trip back from blizzcon. I can't believe none of you sent me post card or nothing. Sideshow & Syrana experienced In & Out Burger. It's good stuff isn't it? I thought in&out was the greatest thing in the world until I tried Bobcat Bite in Santa Fe, NM. Bobcat green chilly burger is second to none. You take a bite... and everything fades away to blurry white and angels start singing... by the time you wake up, burger's all gone.

Everything else about Santa Fe sucks though. They just had an Indian Market weekend here. Holy jeebus, it was Thunderbluff.

Oh, did you guys see Gevlon's latest posts on clearing uld 10 in blues? omg I love this guy. He's officially #2 in my book as the most entertaining wow blogger ever (brk #1). I know I've ripped on him before, but the thing is, these two statements are mutually exclusive:

1) he's an entertaining blogger
2) he tends to get out of his element

I wouldn't have ripped on him, but on that particular post, he took cheap shots at Ixobelle for no apparent reasons. so I flipped out. Ixo and I aren't buddies or anything. Still, if you mess with Ixo, you mess with beer and donuts. When you mess with beer and donuts, you mess with me.

Don't ever mess with people I like. Gnomeaggedon speaks softly and writes I-fail stories. but I bet Gnomy's real life penis is way bigger than Gevlon's. I bet Gnomy can wrap his penis around Gevlon's neck and start him up like a lawn mower. wrrrr-WANG neh neh neh neh neh neh.

...... I wouldn't be writing anything if I weren't inspired by this fine Indian Pale Ale I've been chugging since I got off work.

I haven't been able to write lately, because I haven't played for a good month now. I got pissed at something and I stopped playing. I forget what it was. I can't play even if I wanted to, because I broke the game cd in half. I also slathered peanut butter all over the authenticator and fed it to my neighbor's bull terrier.

RET PALLIES!

That's you, antigen, firespirit, rex, alex, and stoico. Keep on truckin, because I'm living my wow life vicariously through your armory updates.

If blizz nerfs you, make it up with your HEART. They can nerf your seal, but they cannot nerf your heart. I swear Dustin Carter is my new hero. No arms. No legs. All heart. He went 41-2 his senior year and was ranked #3 in the region-- do you realize how insane that is?

Watch this video. You'll never qq again.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Aimee

I was playing with my new slinky on the steps of Dalaran bank. It’s hours of exhilarating stretch-and-recoil entertainment.

Aimee the pastry vendor cannot stop looking at me, her eyes sparkling with hopes—I hope he’s got some vendor trash today. Oh gosh, what will I say when he comes over?

Too bad I have no interest in her or her croissants. Her chocolate cake looks delicious, but as sweet as I am, I don’t need any sugar. I carry Johnny Depp-equivalent social status and she’s just a commoner. Even if she’s a Ford super model, I’m Jong and girls like her are dime a dozen.

Then I thought, what if this was real life? If there’s a pastry vendor who looks anything like Aimee, I’d go see her everyday 3-4 times a day. Hi… erm… uh… I’ll take some muffins… and some bagels… and… just give me everything. Yes, the whole cart. I’ll buy the whole cart.
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In real life, I’m a bond trader and I drive a mid-price suv. In wow, I’m a fucking PALADIN and I ride around on CocaCola polar bear singing bah bah bah bah bah joy of cola… wait, that’s pepsi.

The quality of my fantasy life is better than that of my real life in just about every aspect. I think the only thing that’s more stimulating in real life is the auction house. Whereas wow AH only allows for cash-based spot transactions on limited number of goods and commodities, CBOE let’s me do all kinds of fancy pants stuff on everything. Pro tip: You may not be ready to trade options if… 1) Terms like butterfly spread, straddle, and backward induction tend to arouse you. 2) You think Vega is a car, Delta is an airline, and Gamma is your momma’s momma.

I only trade ETF’s now days. Last week, I got into FAZ. This is a leveraged ETF that yields INVERSE of the returns on big financial company stocks. That is, I make money when the financial stocks go down in prices—isn’t that fun? I also got into FXP (yields 2x inverse of the big Chinese stocks)... The current growth is fueled by demands from China, and all the investors are going nuts like them Chinese guys on Pai Gow table. I’m calling out on the fact that they’re trading on hopes & dreams instead of numbers. Fundamentals will come into pressure come September, and it’ll be Christmas for me.

EDIT: Why am I bearish? Nothing's changed since Q1-09, but the market has rallied 50%. I really think these people are crazy. Not let's-paint-the-kitchen-red crazy, but toothpaste sandwich crazy.

Disclaimer: This is not a solicitation for sales or investment. I don’t know what I’m talking about and you’ll get your nuts crushed if you follow my investment advice.