Thursday, April 30, 2009

Panzer Tank and Bikinis: Part 1 and 2

I was deleting some of the sloppy entries. I fat fingered and deleted PT&B Part 1, so I recapped as much as I could remember.

Part 1

Kim at WoW Wanderings wrote a very entertaining post on Playboy bunny ears. quote:

And don’t get me started on how Thrall looks like a humanoid Panzer tank but Sylvanas was “upgraded” to a bikini top and low-riding leather pants.

I’ll get you started. There’s nothing wrong with the arrangement. It’s perfect.

I want my Accountant to be the most anal pencil-pushing sumbitch I can find. I want him to be so nerdy and so anal that he could never miss the smallest detail when he’s itemizing the deductibles on my form 1040.

I want my Warchief to be the meanest panzer tank who eats other panzers tanks for breakfast and picks his teeth with a 2h axe. If I ever find Thrall chillin’ on his throne sipping appletini rocking bikinis & low-riding leather pants, I will slap the piss out of him and never talk to him again. Grom Hellscream would weep in his grave. fuckin zug zug.

I want my Queen to be the most beautiful bikini flower morning dew in the world. Whenever the UC local defense call for help, I'm the first one to throw on a pvp trinket and run over to Sylvanas' chamber.

As you know, I am a member of the 82nd Elite Paladin Special Force Airborne Rangers. The highly selective combat unit was formed under the following mission statement: Preserving Her Hotness and Defending the Sovereignty of Her Bikinis. I've sworn to give my life for the queen. Not so much because she's the queen, but because she is my smoking hot bikini queen. In case you missed, the operative words are smoking hot and bikini.

If Sylvanas looked like a stacked diesel panzer tank, I'd retire from the special forces and go back to selling girl scout cookies.

"Commander Jong! Intel reports indicate possible formation of an Alliance raid SSE of UC. Queen Rosie O'Donnell is in a dire need of your aid! Rally your Elite Paladin Rangers and rush over to Her Lardness' Chamber...

Oh no!... They're here! They're eating all her donuts and fried chicken!"

pfff. I put that transmission on ignore and go right back to doing the dailies. Put that sandwich down defend yourself you big fat panzer tank. I hate going to UC anyways. All that damp and humidity makes my hair frizzle and I deserve all the voluminous shine in my hair, 'cause L'Oreal told me I'm worth it.

Part II

Larisa wrote:

The concept of the “Shake your Bunny-Maker” achievement IS an example of objectification of women.

Objectification of women is a terribly generalized term. I exclusively objectify smoking hot women. I refuse to complete the bunny-maker achievement, not because I'm against objectifying women, but because I don't want any donut-munching panzer tank chic to think I'm objectifying her. If Queen Rosie O'Donnell came up to me and told me I shouldn't objectify her, I would be extremely insulted.

"My Queen, has the baby back rib clogged your artery and your self-awareness? No self-respecting testosterone-imbued specie would ever want to objectify you."

... I think I discovered the worst thing a man could say to a woman: I would never objectify you.

Testosterone is a powerfully reckless energy. It drives me into doing primitive and inappropriate things. I'm subconsciously objectifying women all day long. I'm talking about allll day long and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Ladies, if a man comes up to you and says, "I won't objectify you because I respect you too much" or something like that, just punch him the neck and walk away, because:

1) He believes he has discovered the ancient runic power of Ulduar that allows him to channel his testosterone only in respectful and tasteful ways. He is a delusional nut-job completely detached from reality. Punch him in the neck.

2) He is a lying sack of shit who believes saying the "right" things will get you into bed. Punch him in the neck.

3) He is not attracted to women in general.

4) He is unable to find a single strand of objectifiable fiber in you. You are that busted ugly. Punch him in the neck.

If you say that subconscious objectification of women is somehow more virtuous than expressed objectification of women, I got nothing.

I think there are proper ways to express it (e.g., digging through her laundry and sniffing her panties) and inappropriate/tasteless ways (e.g., throwing bunny ears) to express it.

I Found My Baby Picture

This was when me and my mom went to the swine farm near Orgrimmar. I think I was lvl 2.... mmm bacon!


I saw a huge spider in my room. It was so big it gave me naxx trash flash back. ah mah gad it's Maxxena!

I usually don't kill spiders because they eat other bad bugs. but this one I had to kill. He was so big, he could probably open doors and stuff. I don't want him going through my refrigrator and eat my sandwich.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Do Not Push the Button

We tried Mimiron and got face-rolled.

This isn't the real felguard, but consider this: out of allllll the people, he chose to stand next to me. Coincidence?... yeah, I think so.

I remember watching this Japanese hidden camera prank show: 1) hammer down a solid metal stake into the ground; 2) cut out the bottom of a cola can; 3) cover the metal stake with the can; and 4) put up a huge sign that says "Please DO NOT kick the can" in big red bold letters.

I don't know what it is about human nature... I mean, every other douchebag coming down the street would see the sign, look at the can, look at the sign, look at the can, get a good running start, kick the shit out of the can, and absolutely own himself. Every single one.

Ideally, I always prefer the win-win scenario. You win I win. It's good. If you happen to insist on a win-lose scenario, I won't like the losing end of it, but at least I'd understand WHY you'd insist on such scenario. You believe that zero-sum gain is the only possible solution and you wanna win. I get it; it makes perfect sense.

Now, if somebody insists on a lose-lose scenario, I don't like it and I'm really confused.... why? Everyone died, everyone thinks you're an idiot, some people are really pissed, and you just hosed the raid's vibe. No winners here...
...I have a feeling I'm out of line to wonder why, because this has to be one of those Applejacks cereal commercial question:

"Why do you kids like Applejacks when they don't taste like apples?"

"We just do!"


A few weeks ago, the company I work for released a public statement to annouce its intent on filing Chapter 11. We were one of the last ones standing in the industry. In many cases, top executives are the first to jump ship at the earliest signs of an oncoming disaster. They'd liquidate as much of their equity positions as they can and make an unannounced retirement before employees could get glimpse of the stories.

All three of our top executives stuck through to the end, sleeves rolled-up, down in the trenches with us. They were like those string quartet on Titanic humping the viola until the ship snapped in half. They displayed what I think is one of the finest examples of professionalism and leadership in modern business history.

The CFO's final speech was the best shortest speech I've ever heard: "We've tried everything we could to avoid this. Thank you everyone for your valiant efforts. It's been an honor." His eyes watered up and ears turned visibly red. He got a standing ovation. I was pretty close to climbing up on my chair and yelling, "O! Captain! My Captain!"

I wish the best for him and I wish I could be half the leader he is when I grow up.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

is your server STILL down?

EDIT: Just to be clear, I'm not the batman. I'm just sharing the screen shots a guildie uploaded on the forum b/c it was too epic not to share.

ah mah gahd! Yogg-Saron has assaulted Blizzard. He is slapping everyone silly for their consistent tendency to over-promise and under-deliver.

YS: Did you or did you not say 3 PM Pacific Time eight hours ago? huh? huh? /slapslapslap

Well... I guess I have to step up...

Throw a bucket of water on that blonde chic and put up the Bat Signal! We ain't playin no mo!

omg nerds calm down. you're embarrasing me.

We ran our final Sarth last night. That illusive slut finally dropped the trinket I’ve been wanting for months. I tea-bagged him one last time and kissed him night night.

Someone announced 3.1 is here! and the guild chat just went ape shit. Texts were scrolling up so fast that I couldn’t keep up with it. All the nerds were pissing down their legs with joy as if they just heard that Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana were having a joint concert.

Me? Pfffft I couldn’t care less..... although I can’t explain this raging hard-on protruding through my Brookes Brothers pants every time I think of Ulduar.

Am I ready?

I am decked out to the teef 50 cent style and my bags are stacked with enough consumables to feed the hungry children of Africa for months. Let’s dance. Y soy paladin and I’m gonna whoop yo ass.

Monday, April 13, 2009


Tony Soprano and I have two things in common. We both like to stuff our faces with baked ziti and we both like the strong silent type like Gary Cooper.

I pugged sarth+2d.

After the first wipe, the raid leader asked, “Why did 4 dps die 1 minute into the fight?”

One guy stepped up and answered, “I dragged fire adds into lava wall. My bust. I won’t let it happen again.”

Uh…wtf? I was flabbergasted. That is the finest answer I’ve ever heard. He pin-pointed the problem, took accountability for his mistake, and let everyone know that he respects other people’s time.

What a breath of fresh air. 9 times out of 10, you get an answer that goes:

/cast Defensive Stance
/blurtOut My wife is sleeping so I’m trying to breastfeed the baby with my man boobs. The stupid cat got stuck in the printer and my mouse died. The dog squared his butt to my face and blasted taco meat fart so I got dazed. I had all kinds of adds on me so I got dazed. Healers failed to heal me. Tanks failed to protect me. Bruce Willis failed to blow up the meteor so the meteor came down and shot up my rectum. It’s not my fault. It’s definitely somebody else’s fault.


Don’t ever throw blame on your healers you dumb fuck. Ever. Healers are your cooks. You never yell at your cook. What if the cook spits in your food?

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


I enjoyed reading Sydera's post.

I think healing is more difficult than melee dps though. Definitely way more stressful. I think the best healers are cool-as-cucumber-under-fire types with keen sense of situational awareness... which means I really shouldn't be healing.

Melee dps came pretty natural for me. Maybe it's because I have the mindset of Sandy, an awesome pitbull I used to have when I was in highschool.

Sandy loved it when I'd point at the worn-out tire I hung up on a tree branch.

"You see that Sandy? What's that? What's that boy?"

He'd stop whatever he's doing and zone in on the kill target woo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo....


He would probably go after any kill target I point out. Anything. Tires, cars, dump trucks, bears, dinosaurs, ... He wouldn't even care. He'd go at the target with the most sincere intention of tearing it apart and he'd do a good job.

On the other hand, if I were to tell him to go pat a kitten or something, he wouldn't know what to do.

"Go smell that flower and pat the bunneh. Lick its wounds. Mend the bunneh's broken heart. Hills are alive, Sandy, with the Sound of Music!"

He'd be all confused. He'd probably eat the bunny and shit all over the flower bed.

EDIT: Licking the bunny's wound is very inaccurate analogy for raid healing. It's more like licking the bunny's wound through a series of 15k mortal strikes thrown out by a huge-ass dragon flippin out on the bunny.

My guild has dope healers. Until recently, I didn't even know that I was supposed to step out of the blizzard storm in Saphiron. I love snow and I generally embrace the blizzard with my face like Jennifer & Oliver embraced the first snow in Love Story. Saphiron and I hold hands and run in circles in that shit. We build our snowmans and dreams together in the eye of the blizzard storm.... My healers heal me right through that sillyness and they've never yelled at me.

Monday, April 6, 2009



Are you going to Blizzcon 2009? I am!

I'm going to meet alllll the developers and creative directors. I'm gonna wear the friendliest nerdiest smile and ask, "Hi, did you come up with the Toy Train idea :D ?" Eventually, I'll run into the genious who signed off on the wonderful idea. I'm gonna put him on a George Saint-Pierre choke hold. Then I'm gonna yell chugga chugga chugga chugga CHOO CHOO! until his left ear starts to discharge bloody green ooze. I'm hoping to traumatize him to the point where he shits himself everytime he encounters any image, sound, or concept resembling a train. Won't you come join the fun?

Why are you dropping a fucking train set right before the pull on an achievement run so that nobody can hear what the raid leader is saying? If you've got 200 gold to piss away, buy yourself flaks. You know what I'd buy with 200 gold? I'd buy some real estates. You know, buildings, houses, huge chunks of land... so I can drop'em on Sartharion's face.

Pop-quiz hot shot:

Why do raiders use ventrilo?

a) To blurt out irrelevant, unfunny, unwitty comments at the most inopportune moment to people who don't wanna hear that crap.

b) To facilitate raid coordination and diseminate mission critical information during boss fights.

c) To rock the doppest looking headset just like Britney when we're alone in living room.

Is it true that Blizzard's gonna fix the badge looting mechanics so that the whole raid gets it whenever one person picks it up? oh god, I can't wait.

Look at all those nubs raping the crystal.

"Me first! Me first! I wanna get the badges first!"
"Me too! I wanna get badges too!"
"Me too! I wanna go first too!"

Thursday, April 2, 2009

i don't like eating salad

I couldn't do the sons of hodir dailies today. Those frostborn dwarves reminded me of BRK and I couldn't kill them. I'm gonna miss that guy.

My mom calls me every week to tell me to eat vegetables. GAWD.

I know some people who'll look at a bowl of salad and actually salivate. They'll say "mmm, what a tasty looking salad." Are they serious? You could starve me for weeks and I'll still look at a big bowl salad, trees, lawns, and leaves the same way: they're all just green decorations.

I tried to explain to mom that I was a cheetah in my previous life. I can faintly remember chasing after gazelles on the plains of Serengeti. Therefore, eating nothing but steak, spam, bacon, and bratwurst is a perfectly suitable dietary habit for me.

She wouldn't buy it. She yelled at me and told me to stop saying stupid things or something like that. She said if I don't like plain salad, I could put on toppings I like.

I'm gonna make me some fried chicken and donut salad tomorrow.

Mom also calls me every week to ask me if I went to church. GAWD. I don't go to church, but I play paladin, so it's better than nothing.

Martha: "Jesus, can you rez my brother?"
Jesus: "Yep, I got him." /target Lazarus /cast Resurrection
Jesus: ....
Martha: ...
Jesus: "Hold on I'm still in combat."