Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Raiders: Dumber than a Box of Rocks

Darraxus wrote an interesting post on dumb raid bosses.

I tell you, if I were Patchwerk, ain’t nobody clearing the Construct Wing. Even Ensidia Special Forces Airborne Ranger wouldn’t have a prayer.

I’d hide in Gluth’s chamber and never come out.

Gluth: Are they here yet? I think I hear them buffing up.

Me: shhhhh! be quiet.

They’d be so confused.

“Where the hell is Patchwerk?”
“Aw man, did somebody get us saved into a cleared instance?”

The raid would either disband out of frustration & confusion, or they’d try to advance to Gluth… when the heart of the raid is crossing the froggers, I strike.

“Surprise bitches! Tactical Disposition, Sun Tsu Art of War, Chronicle IV.”

I wouldn’t even touch anybody. The raid would wipe itself running into each other.
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Raid bosses are dumb as a pile of rocks. But most raids are are even dumber than a pile of rocks.

Heigan: “Hahaha I’m going to fill the room with green fire of doom!... but in a perfectly predictable pattern with precisely timed intervals!”

Raid: “HA HA you dumb Heigan! Well, I’m going to stand wherever I feel like standing and take the fire to my face!”

Saphiron: “I’m going to house the whole raid with a Jihad bomb of ICE!... but first, I’m going to provide you THREE bomb shelters conveniently located throughout the raid!”

Raid: “HA HA you are so stupid! Well, I’m going to NOT hide behind the bomb shelter and take the blast to my face!”

Friday, March 27, 2009

don't yell at the nubs

A few guildies organized a pug sunwell run for the achievement.

For those of you who haven't seen the twins fight: when you get conflagration, you have to get away from everyone immediately. Otherwise, you'll throw a Jihad bomb on the raid.

The raid leaders got mad because these scrubs would just stand there blowing everyone up. I felt bad for the scrubs. It's not that they're not trying. It's just that yelling, "conflag! GTFO!" is like pointing a set of high performance headlights directly on their faces. The sudden glare of an oncoming disaster overwhelms their flight impulse and locks their feet in place. They can't help it; don't yell at them.

Oh jeez, I violated about 18 copy rights to assemble this exhibit. But check this out. she is the cuttest deer caught in a headlight I found. Holy crap. She can blow up next to me all day long. I'd be the happiest blown up smithereen.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

you thought OP stands for over powered?

Among the scourge minions, I'm known as the Ocular Penetrating Juggernaut. Lately, I've caused too much devastation across Northrend and a coalition of skull raped victims led by Kel’thuzad has launched a massive lobby campaign in Washington D.C.

They announced that the Ocular Penetration Restriction Act of 2007 will be strictly enforced in patch 3.1… oh well, whatever.
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I tell you, there’s nothing like a decked out ret pally to steam roll through dailies. I kill stuff so fast it’s crazy. wuh-pah-pow! /loot

My favorite routine is housing the Vrykuls in Jotenheim. You see, Vrykuls love to talk smack, but I own them so fast that none of them can ever finish their smack talk. I honestly can’t think of anything more humiliating than getting pwnt before completing your smack talk sentence.

I’ll eat your…wuh-pah-pow! … ughhhh /loot

I wonder what he wanted to say. He’ll eat my… cornbread? … sandwich? … that doesn’t sound so intimidating to me.

Your entrails will make a fine… wuh-pah-pow! ... ughhhhh /loot

I wonder what she wanted to say. My entrails will make a fine…errrm… jump rope?... donation for advanced medical research?

Oh, but when I’m doing the feed weakened worm to Armgrim quest, I have to come up with creative ways to dumb down my insane dps, because I be one-shotting his lunch.

Arngrim yells at me every day:

“No, no, you’re doing it all wrong! I said weaken my lunch. Don’t one-shot it and step on it.”

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

whenever I feel like crying, I think, "what would uncle Curt would do?"

How did US get spanked by Japan in baseball? Baseball, you know, America's favorite past-time? That's as embarassing as Japan losing to America in something like World Rice Eating Championship. I tell you right now, if Japan lost to America in rice eating competition, they would all seppuku on the spot.

Japan brought their A game. Everyone had food buff, flaks, scrolls, and they were all let's go Tenno Heika BANZAI!!!

America was plagued with bunch of cry babies who didn't wanna play. They would have won if they played like uncle Curt. Remember game 2, 2004 world series?

"What's it look like doc? Oh, my ruptured tendon is gonna snap all around and squirt blood every time I pitch so I should sit out? Yeah, fuck that, put some dirt on it, tape it up and let's GO."

If you missed that game, you missed the most epic manhood defining moment ever. You would have jeezed your pants.

EDIT: I would call Curt Schilling my daddy, but I can't because Grom Hellscream is my daddy.

Monday, March 23, 2009

ohai!

Which one of you geniuses designed the naxx summoning area? I hate being crowded and I hate bumping elbows with other dudes. I was trying to click on the portal, and I accidentally brushed my hand against a dwarf chic’s side boob. eww. that just ruined my whole day.

type @ for summons. and if you come through that portal sitting on a huge-ass mount, I’m gonna punch you in the nuts

of course all the cows mount up on the biggest mount they can find right before accepting the summon just to mess with me.
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Some of the loading screen tips are very helpful. I find some to be almost inspirational, like those tips Mufasa gives to Simba….

Remember who you are. You are the illest ret pally of crazy multi-tasking skillz. You can eat and drink at the same time.

Yesterday, my alt hunter got invited to an alt naxx run hosted by the #1 guild on our server. I was on my best behavior and I was vomiting sunshine on everyone’s face— hi! Ohai! Hello! — and guess what? I got invite back for next week! just like blizzard done told me they would!

Friday, March 20, 2009

how to impress chicks

I saw a huge bug fly straight into a window and knocking itself out cold like in a Windex commercial. Lol, what a worthless stupid bug.
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The girl working the sandwich line at the corner sandwich shop is pretty cute. She has the cutest onion butt—it makes me wanna cry.

“Hi! What can I get for you?”
“Errrrm… can I get an order of bacon cheeseburger with a side of your smile?”

Dayuuuuummm! Now, that’s how you get extra fries.

She was all giggly as she was packing my order to go.

When she handed me the box, I forgot all about the girl, because I was instantly consumed by the prospect of taking that first bite into my lunch. The cheeseburger looked at me with puppy dog eyes and whimpered, “where have you been? I was so lonely,” and that just broke my heart.

“Don’t worry baby. Daddy’s got you now. I got you right here.”

I was briskly walking out of the sandwich shop with my eyes fixed on the burger with a delirious grin on my face…tee hee hee hee hee

… and WHAM!! I ran right into the glass door. I’m not talking about almost running in where I kinda catch myself with a free hand. No, I rammed my forehead into the door with an audible thud that made everyone turn and look. If it weren’t for my superb athletic ability, I would have surely dropped the sandwich.

Someone came up and said something, but I don’t know what he said because I temporarily lost hearing on my left ear. You know those cartoon birds that circle wiley coyote’s head when an anvil drops on him? Yeah, those birds are real.

I felt like a rock star.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

maslow's pyramid

I’m easily amused. If someone started wiggling a laser point infront of me, I’d run in circles chasing that thing with a huge-ass grin on my face running into walls.

If someone threw a snow ball at me, oh man, I’d get FIRED UP. I got stacks of them babies in my bag. The other day, I piled up all my snow balls and built a polar bear snow man. Hopefully that stupid lady will get the sign: I really want me a polar bear mount.

Everyone around me seems burnt out. I’m not burnt out. It’s just that warcraft isn’t the #1 priority so much. My priority in life usually goes like this: 1) warcraft; 2) money; 3) girls; 4) scotch/IPA; 5) food; and 6) sleep… I’d put warcraft around #3 now days.

You know what would make my parents really proud? The fact that every source of my inspiration in life is completely contained within the bottom rung of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. hell yeah.
What I find absolutely fascinating is that sex and sexual intimacy are bifurcated, where the latter is only sought after by advanced life forms… what the hell is sexual intimacy? Is that like spooning and stuff?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I'm a ninja

I’m liking my druid a lot. I can root something and shoot lightning bolts at it. Then the mob gets all worked up and runs to me. If I were a hunter, I would flail my arms and run in circles because I wouldn’t know what to do. But I’m a druid.

What? You gonna charge me? You gonna come at the J like that? Oh, okay…”

/catform

“Suh-prrrriiiiize! You didn’t know I could do that you dumb boar!”


My trainer taught me how to prowl the other day and it’s awesome. I’m a Ninja Cat. I encroach upon my prey like the crouching tiger… except I get caught all the time. It’s really embarrassing when my prey whacks me upside the head while I’m in stealth. Lol what are you doing nub? I saw you sneak up from waaay over there. /whack.

Thanks for stepping all over my stealth ninja pride you jerk.
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I think it’s unfair that hunters have an entire petopia full of cats to choose from, but I’m stuck with a skin that looks like the wyvern mount I can ride for 89 coppers from Crossroads to Orgrimmar.

You know what else is unfair? Male belfs are stuck with N’ Sync skin, but human paladins have all kinds of awesome choices like Chuck Norris, Mirko Crocop, and Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

go go smite

In maly phase 2, our fury warrior of fury takes the disc first. Then goes the death knight of death. Then goes the supa fly ret pally. When three of us are airborne, it’s look out scions! Grab on to your hover disc and hold on to your nuts! It’s geegee for you! We churn through them scions faster than you can shotgun 12oz coors lites.

Last week, we gave the disc priorities to holy priests and resto pallies so they can get the achievement to deliver a killing blow.

Go get’em healers!

“Me first! Me fist!”
“How do I get on? How do I get on?”
“Just right-click it man.”


It was hilarious watching them wobble through the air. I trailed one of them with the excitement and nervousness of a dad following his six-yr-old son riding a bike without the training wheels for the first time.

“Eek! Eek! Smite! Smite! Take that you bad scion! Feel the wrath of my holy puffballs!”


I knew the scion felt the thrashing of the priest’s hello kitty healing mace, but he simply refused to acknowledge the presence of the priest. I think he was offended. He turned around and gave me the most accusatory look that says, Are you fucking serious? Show me some respect.

Sorry dude. Don’t mean to disrespect, but my priest needs the achievement.

Then I realized what a pain it must for the healers to grind dailies and farm stuff. I’m really glad dual spec is coming so they don’t have to go through this.

I think I’m gonna go farm some flasks for them.

Monday, March 9, 2009

call us

I don't know why it is, but I'm particullary ashamed of my hair today. Maybe it's because I'm going over to pay a tribute to mah daddy, Grom Hellscream.

Lok'Tar Ogar, Grom, the greatest warrior there never was. I disgrace you with my frosted hair tips, but I honor you with the heart of Jean Claude Van Damme. I'll always do my best to carry out the legacy you've left behind.

Zug zug and Love Always--Jong.
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Even if you've been clearing naxx for months, The Immortal is no walk in the cake... a piece of park... it's a difficult task.

It's not difficult in ways stochastic calculus is difficult; it's difficult in ways sitting in one place for hours adding two numbers repetitively without making a single mistake is difficult.

4+2= 6
5+2= 7
1+3= 4
.
.
.
6+3= 9
5+1= 6
2+2= uhm.... CHICKEN!

WTF?
Oh, come on!

Dude, what the hell was that?

Yeah, that was the sound of Gluth casting Decimate, immediately followed by a silly ret pally owning himself with the Seal of Punch Himself in the Face.

Let me tell you, that was the most awful feeling. I threw my drink against the wall, and now I have diet coke stains all over my luxurious adobe brick wall... It's a feeling I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemies. Not even Joey Fatone. Not even Enrique Iglesias. Nope, not even dudes who purposely rolled a male belf hunter named Legololz because they were inspired by Orlando Bloom owning a Traveler's Tundra Mammoth.

Nobody deserves to go through this alone.

So, please, if you or someone you know has failed while staring at the pretty yellow bird sitting on the windowsill, call us today.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Really? Seriously?

1) I wonder if Blizzard has some type of a review committee that audits the appropriateness of its game contents. If there is one, I'd like to have been there when they were going through the Love Fool title.

Quest:

Put on some perfume. Go around to all the big burly city guards and massage their hairy ball sacks until they give you candy. Continue man-whoring your way and complete a Russel Stover gift box set.

"Oh-kay, next on the agenda, we have...let's see... oh, the Love Fool title."

"Yes chairman. The achievement was added to the patch to introduce a whole new meaning of Achievement Whore."

I understand that male belfs reminds you of Deuce Bigalow. I really do. Still, I am a Paladin. That means I am the Bringer of Light and Defender of Anna Kournikova's Virginity. Show some respect.

If you're having trouble coming up with quests more fitting to a Paladin's job description, just ask me.

Quest:

Go beat the living piss out of a huge-ass dragon. Save Adriana Lima, the flimsy goddess of silk panties and all things good and pure.

Reward:

You will receive $500 gift certificate to Lotus. You will also be granted inalienable rights to inappropriately fondle boobies of any Ford models that walk into the domain of your champagne room.

There, something like that.

2) Which one of you blizzard geniuses thought of a vanity toy train that can call upon a choo-choo zoo monkey fest from hell on demand? I hate that toy train so much. Every time I hear that thing go off, I wanna beat a kitten to death with a puppy.

They never drop it when I'm standing alone in a wide-open space. Oh no, it'd be too easy for me to run away. They only drop it when 25 cows, orcs, trolls, and male belfs are all standing on a compact platform like the sewage pipe leading to Gluth's chamber. No where to run suckas!

3) As you can see, I have the lowest standards when it comes to proper grammar and word usage. I'm a big fan of eloquent leet-speak acronyms like lawl and ffs. However, IMO drives me nuts.

I know a guy that adds IMO to every sentence he writes in chat (e.g., Hi, IMO). I tried to empathize with the guy, but I really can't see the value-adding proposition of IMO.

Why does he have to say "This cheeseburger is delicious, IMO"?

If you wanna make a statement of opinion, just say "I think this cheeseburger is delicious." Better yet, just state the point: "This cheeseburger is delicious." I can tell from the context that it's your opinion-- you're the one stuffing your face with that cheeseburger.

Does emphasis on his opinion add validity to the statement since he is a certified grass-fed beef authority? Why does the statement have to be vetted in the first place? Is he afraid that I might cut him off mid-sentence, bang my fist on the table, and challenge his opinion? /slam "Objection! That is preposterous!"

Sometimes, when he really wants to drive it home, he'll add IMHO. You know, to distinguish his humble opinion from other people's self-delusional opinions.

Really? Seriously?

Synergy

I remember the concept of synergy plastering the textbooks of business schools all over the place in the late ’90s. Synergy was in style and the mandatory buzzword to throw out in job interviews.

Whole is greater than some of its parts.
Everyone can recite the dictionary definition of the word, but I’m not sure if everyone really appreciates what it’s all about.

Generally, we’d say that 1+1 = 2. The proponents of the power of synergy would say, nay, my friends, 1+1 = Wonder Twin Girl Power ACTIVATE!

It’s amazing what individuals can accomplish as a team. The adrenaline of victory that comes only when bunch of poop-flinging monkey individuals really learn to come together as one unit… united with the trust & coordination of Redwood High School marching band… oh, man, that rush is like porn to me.

Ok. Let's see if you get this: 1+1+1+1 = ?

a) 4
b) Turtle Power
c) Girl Power
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And of course, 1+1+1+1+1 = Go Go Pally Rangers.
When calling for the Megazord formation, please remember that yellow and blue are the legs, not the fucking arms.

Monday, March 2, 2009

My proudest moment

My GM never picks me for cool special assignments like kiting the zombies in Gluth or occupying the back corners in Four Horsemen. He only picks the smart reliable kids in the class. Even the stupid hunters get important assignments like tranq shotting the enraged eles in sarth. I never get picked for anything.

GM: Okay... we still need somone to take Zeliek's corner... who do I got left?

Raid Assist: Smart, dependable kids are all assigned to important tasks already. You got Jong, Pengu, and Baby Blizzard Bear.

Me: Ooh, ooh, pick me! pick me! Put me in coach! I can do it!

GM: mmmm.... Pengu, you know what to do, right?
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Let me tell you, you have no idea how happy I was when my GM finally picked me to carry out the coolest special assignment ever:

Jong, when the second drake goes down, hop in the portal and heal Ody (DPS DK). Healers have to stay out here. You. Are. It. Keep him alive, you got that?

Do I got that? Do chickens wish they could fly? Hell yeah I got that. Strength and Honor!... Except I had no idea what I was doing. I wreck face and that's all I do. Healing is the exact opposite of wrecking face and the most unnatural act for me to carry out. I felt more unnatural than an Elemental Shaman being out of his element.

Still, I tried my best. When the time came, I popped wings, threw Hand of Sacrifice & Sacred Shield on Ody, and spammed FoL while squealing like a 12-yr-old girl who just stepped on a worm by accident: "Eeeeeeeeeeeek!"

Unfortunately, my piss ant 2K FoL wasn't enough to keep a dps DK through two acolytes pounding on him. His health kept disappearing by chunks. "I'm popping cooldowns! Stay with me Jong!", he yelled, but I knew it was over...

... at that very moment, everything around me came to a slow motion. I was surrounded by bright white light. and there stood, in the midst of all the glitters, Mariah Carey... in her glittering white dress... she floated over to me, cupped my balls, and whispered in my ears, "there's a heeeeerroooo if you look inside your heart."


WHUMP! /snap back to realty

She's right! I am the pimpest dope ret pally you never known! LAY ON HANDS muthafucka! You are NOT allowed to die when I'm healing.
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We won. I gotta tell you healers. I don't know how you do it. Keeping someone alive is the most stressful thing ever. I think I've developed a serious case of stress-induced constipation.


Sunday, March 1, 2009

My least favorite pvp spell

Death Grip. I don't think it's op'ed or anything. I just don't like being man-handled. It makes me look bad. This 45-pound gnome dk bounces to me boing boing and man-handles me like I'm her biatch. That's a serious rub on my style. and as you well know, style is everything.

I remember this one night when I was a young silly nub. I got into a fight at a nightclub. This 6'5" big black bouncer walks up to me. Pfft, it's okay. I had the scenario all planned out in my head. I'm gonna step up to the big scary bouncer, and imma go down in a blaze of glory like Bonjovi had done... except things didn't go like I had planned. The bouncer pick me up by the collar-- heels of my feet were off the fucking ground-- and carried me out like a momma tiger carrying her baby tiger. That had to be the most embarrasing moment ever... getting man-handled pwnt.