Thursday, November 19, 2009

The State of 3.2 DPS and uhm, this Romeo is bleeding, but you can't see his blood

The other day, Megan’s brain didn’t show up so she did a throw-away post.

My brain showed up, but the right brain started yelling at its flaky cranial twin for socketing the wrong gem into the ring. The left brain stopped coloring the unicorn on his diary and conjured up expressive protests about killing the innocent dalaran squirrel.

The two sides aren’t working together. I walked into the bathroom and picked up an object called shampoo. I know for a fact that its name is shampoo, but I have no idea what its uses are. Do I put it on English muffin like I do with grape jelly? I stood in front of a porcelain structure affixed to the floor. I know I’m suppose to pee into it, but I cannot remember what it’s called.
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It was Desmond Howard’s first punt return in NFL. He received the ball and started running laterally with the intent to out-corner everyone with his speed… uhm… what are you doing Desmond? Do you think this is Nebraska Cornhuskers with bunch of fat uncoordinated kids? This is NFL.

There’s been an influx of applications to the guild.

Under the question, “What is your primary role and value-adding proposition in end-game raid contents?” a feral dps applicant responded,

“I can outdpsed rogues. I have never been outdpsed by anyone in pug heroics.”

If I wanted to comment on that response with a positive spin, I’d say I like the candidate’s confidence and competitiveness.

If I were to formulate a comment just as unconstructive as the applicant’s answer, I’d say I have never been outdpsed by frozen tundra penguins either. Welcome to NFL.
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Since joining my new guild, I’ve been outdpsed by every class. I’ve also outdpsed every class.

The fact that I have uncanny instincts for systematic face rolling and run 40 in 4.2 no longer guarantees me a consistent top spot on recount. Everyone can do that around here.

One’s placement on damage meter boils down to the mechanics of the fight and to a lesser extent, RNG.

If Icehowl cuntpunts you to the other side of the room or your cat decides to trot across the keyboard at a particularly inopportune moment, you’ll fall behind.

If you happen to catch a red hot critical streak while your buddies are riding the waves of glancing blows, you’ll come ahead.

When the 3rd moon of Venus is aligned with Pluto, the planet of personal transformation, and the libido in the air is just ripe, nobody is going to touch Arcane Mages on Jaraxxus or the Twins. Nobody. Fights with consistent, controlled raid damage are arcane mages’ territory, so if they smoke you, there’s no shame in your game.

...Jaraxxus is so dumb. Doesn’t he know that mages will spell steal Nether Power and beat his head with it? He’s like those silly ret pallies who pop wings on mages…

Similarly, when the stars are aligned, nobody can touch unholy dks on Anub, FC, Freya, or Algalon. Fights with bunch of secondary targets hovering around the primary target are dk’s house. So, if Hatch happen to skool me on those fights, I wouldn’t be embarrassed.

3.2 is the era of arcane mages and unholy dks.

You know who need some buff love? Shadow Priests and maybe Boomkins.

Seriously blizz, the ONLY fight where a spriest has any hope of outdpsing me is Flame Leviathan, where he’s sitting on a demolisher spamming the crap out pyrites while I’m hunkered next to a parked chopper completely immersed in bon jovi‘s greatest hits.

/swig
/s oh, what I’d give to run my fingers through your hair.

6 comments:

Arioch said...

I recently had an unusual applicant to the guild. /wink

Maybe someday I'll be cool enough to apply to your guild. I will try my best to not display any overt stupidity. My value-adding proposition? My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard...

My cat became fascinated with a gum wrapper on my desk while I was healing on my priest... no one died so it was all good but I had to hide the wrapper before the next fight.

Lord J is a bit dumb, isn't he? Too dumb to be allowed to wield that spellpower buff so I relieve him of that responsibility. And beat him like a red-headed stepchild.

Antigen said...

Silly Jong... Pluto's not a planet, and Venus doesn't have any moons!

Sarcasm, you say? ... What's that?

But being the cynical type, I do find the applicant's assertion that he has never been outdpsed by anyone in a PuG heroic hilarious. Does he want a gold star? Perhaps a cookie?

Raydra said...

My main is an Spriest and... you're right... in a competitive raid we really can't out DPS anyone. :( WTB 3.3 when we are getting some DPS buff love. :)

Rite now though, prolly a l33t tundra pengiun could out dps me.

Hatch said...

Jong, you've put your finger directly on a balance problem that's been creeping up lately: Arcane Mages and Unholy DKs have niches that no one else can cover, yet one of those niches seems to be around for every fight. It's getting kind of redonk.

If you took a 25-man raid fully buffed and all started beating on a lone target dummy, the meters are anyone's game. Classes are balanced halfway decently right now. But when every other fight gives mages some fire damage to absorb or a buff to steal, and the other half of the fights let you cluster adds around the boss, you end up shooting yourself in the foot if you aren't stacking the correct class/spec in there. Give everybody else some love!

Oh, and don't buff Moonkins. There are already far too many people playing them. :P

Sprink said...

If it didn't totally drop my dps, I would love every fight to have something I can spellsteal. ^_^ That priest's fort buff? Need that. Pally might? I may or may not be inclined to stab things on occasion mid-fight, you never know. Some sort of random buff that does nothing more than make me dance with sparkles? Have to have that. *HAVE* to have that.

On that note, since I play a fire mage with a shrine to Lady DPS under her bed, I can vary between 2k and 3k in general, depending on hot streaks, tricket and tailoring procs, and a few other things. Some days I out-DPS an 80 arms/fury warrior, some days I can't touch a fresh 80 shadowpriest.

... and, since I'm writing this from work, I totally forgot where I was going with this. So, I'll just end on a "Megan and Jong rock!" and call it. ^_^

Anonymous said...

Didn't Desmond Howard have a 99-yard kickoff return in the Super Bowl for the Packers, though, later on? Maybe that feral druid just needs someone to take a chance on him.