Tuesday, September 1, 2009

If I had Prince Al'walweed's Money: Part 2 Updated

From Part 1...

I'll hire all my sexy readers. All of you. Your job is to sit there, eat bon bons, and play wow with me.

I’d like to expand on this a bit.

1) We’ll be a pretty big guild and there will be NO drama. People who get into drama will have their penis decapitated with a rusty spoon dirka dirka Muhammad Jihad style.

2) Everyone one of us will be a brick in a brick house. If we throw individual bricks at Yogg, he’ll laugh. But, if we stack them bricks and build a huge-ass brick house and drop that on his face, it hurts. We execute as one unit and we do whatever the raid leader tells us to do. If the rl calls for field goal on 1st & 10, we kick the field goal. Anyone who says things like “that’s dumb” or “why don’t we try…” or anything like that… dirka dirka Muhammad.

3) I don’t wanna be the raid leader or the GM. I don’t wanna deal with formulating strategies, raid composition, or any other administrative stuff. I’m a lazy deeps and I just kill skull.

For GM role, I’d appoint someone with proven track record of leading a big guild through end-game contents. Matticus comes to mind. The only thing about Matt is that he looks like a big wobbly teddy bear and I’m skeptical whether he can instill fear in people’s hearts. During ready checks, I need someone to yell out stuff like “on my command, unleash hell”, and you can’t do that in Barney’s voice.

I want a solid range dps to be the raid leader, this is because range dps has visuals on the entier raid movement/positioning and has much higher margin of error than those of tanks/healers.

4) All gems and enchants will be guild-provided. So, I’ll hire Gevlon as the guild gold fund manager. He says stupid things and pisses me off, but his investment acumen and market discipline is legit.

5) I’d hire Averna and Ferraro, just so Averna can have the first set of legendary fragments.

6) Slayton, Markco (he runs JMTC), Hana, and Rafa will be required to form a 5v5 arena team with me and carry me through 1800+ rating. I want the furious mace. All other ret pallies have furious mace and they don’t let me join in the reindeer games. It’s bullshit. Antigent will be required to put his furious mace in the bank and run around with something like Sonic Spear until I get my mace. It’s not that I’m bad at PvP. It’s just that I treat everything like UK trash. I do insane dps, but I only excel at dpsing down stationary targets that don’t sheep and stun me. I also operate on an “agro table”--I just go after whoever pisses me off the most.

7) On our off nights, I’d like to take the Elite Paladin Rangers to try all-pally 10-man ulduar hard modes.

MT: Akroma--We’re gonna make her believe in herself. It’ll be so entertaining.
OT: Stoico (Raid Assist)-- He’s got lots of hard mode experiences and I need someone to fraps the fights so I can send the videos to my mom.

DPS: Antigen, Alex, Firespirit, Rex, Jong. Ret pallies are extremely territorial. That means I better not find your pubic hair stuck on my toilet and I’m not getting outdps’ed by another ret pally. You better bring everything you got, because I’m busting out my yoga mat and Zig Ziglar audio book. The last person on recount will be demoted to range dps status, which means you’ll be assigned to Mimi’s head in phase 4 and Crusher Tenacles in Yogg.

Healers: Lance, Rafa, HP (Raid Leader). Omg this is a sick healing group.

8) Of course I want mages. I want 3 mages in the raid so we can play portal roulette. Dirka dirka jihad for any mage that gets outdps'ed by a ret pally on single-target fights.

9) I want 3 warlocks too. Any warlock that gets outdps'ed by a mage... quit wow and play DotA with me. A good friend of mine plays warlock. He wispers, "Jong step out with me for a sec" in the middle of the raid. I zone out of ulduar, he challenges me to a dual, and starts sucking the life out of me. I thought it was odd, because 1) he's a serious player who never goofs around during go time; and 2) I didn't know he was only trying to get reagents.... so I hammer of justice him and burst him down. He laughed and called me a nub.

10) I want two resto shamans. There's nothing like a good resto shaman. I choose khaelie and spaghetti. Please synchronize blood lust with my Avenging Wrath.

11) Of course I'd hire Darraxus and Ixo. I need people to eat sausage egg cheese mcmuffin and drink Guiness with me at 10:30 AM without judging me.

12) Despite lacking gears, Bell recently got into an ubber guild. I wasn't surprised, because as Rivs' noted, traits separate the best raiders from chumps. I'd hire Ari without even looking at her armory. You know why? The toughest part of PvE is playing with other Players--playing aginst the Environment is easy. I'd hire anyone who's successfully led an 18-hour pug naxx and downed kel'thuzad, where people were gquitting and hearthing in the middle of the run.

13) Good interrupts wins games. We need rogues. I want two rogues, so I can outdps them and give them inferiority complex. I don't know any rogues though... yeah I do, I choose Sideshow and Embalmo. I don't know these guys, but given Syrana and Kim's elegant taste, I bet they are classy guys and good looking too. fyi, I'm nototious for rolling on leather with +agil & +exp.

14) hmmm... I change my mind about #13. Rogues have to earn their raid spots just like everyone else. It doesn't matter who your wife, boyfriend, or husband is. Oh, your daddy is Billy Ray Cyrus? I DUN CARE Miley, but can you sign my poster?

15) the list keeps going... and isn't this such a creative way to link bunch of people?

27 comments:

River said...

Your raid is doomed for failure. I don't see any mages.

Perhaps a Tuna, or Gnomeaggedon....

Antigen said...

Oh God... On the first attempt of our 25-man Mim kill, when it was just me and a rogue left alive, the RL was like "Antigen, throw your Hammer at the head." I'm worried.

All I know is, you'll have to pry my mace out of my cold, dead, perfectly-manicured-in-a-non-gay-way hands.

Bell said...

I fully endorse this, start it at once!

I guess I'll watch from over here though... /pout

Darraxus said...

This Guild is fail unless a Darraxus is involved.

Ixobelle said...

I second the motion above, -Darraxus, and +Ixo

Josh said...

Don't forget the Big Bear Butt!

ByStander said...

Awesome Jong Have you heard of the Game Heroes of Newerth? it's basically DotA without Warcraft, got extra beta Keys if you feel like to play or have time....

thedoctor said...

Jong - You kill my shit...it took me like 10 minutes to read that because of the laughter.

"Of course I'd hire Darraxus and Ixo. I need people to eat sausage egg cheese mcmuffin and drink Guiness with me at 10:30 AM without judging me."

LMAO

<3 Jong

Bell said...

There I am! I don't have a real job, but I'm there! XD

I'll be the flight attendant and demonstrate emergency procedures.

Rexkicker said...

I'm bagging Hysteria. BUFF ME!!!!

HP said...

Rofl!

Thanks for the link but for the record, I would make a HORRIBLE Raid Leader! I get all yell-y and angry too much.

Hahah, I really do love your posts and I'm glad you're still at it.

Khaelie said...

I am so there, but please can I drink Guinness with you and the boys at 10:30???

Joanna said...

I'm totally applying for your rogue spots. Both of them.

I'm a female from an ERP*cough* RP realm. No one matches my fierceness and I'll take ya to Goldshire *wink* on raid breaks.

Firespirit said...

Haha!

Jong, Im not sure wether I would out DPS you just to piss you the hell off (just to coax that last little bit of dps out of you), or to just ease up and let you slip by me...

I have a feeling that raids with us two in it would end up being highly competitive pissing matches, which I of course would win in both volume and distance, but you would win in the color.... Belf pallies who frost their hair are so obsessive that they must also watch their diet to make sure the pee is the proper hue :)

Pubic hair on your toilet wouldn't be a problem at all, cause I would bring my own. It would take the place of yours, of course, so you would have to find a place for yours. And of course no one is going to touch my toilet. If you are the queen of no one touching your toilet, I will be the king of "stay ten feet back from my motha-fucking toilet before I stun yo ass, and pop my wings and trinket and burst yo ass down till you shit your pants from my awesomeness." They of course will then need use of your shower to cleanup.

LOL, I think I had fun writing that. Im going to have to make a post "Jong" style one of these times.

Rhidach said...

I call disgruntled tank that runs heroics all day with 520 defense and can't understand why he doesn't get invited to raids.

Sprink said...

Awww, no room for the snacks and taxi with sexy new pants? ~_^

Hana said...

You need a moonkin. Though I would gladly take you up on the 5v5 arena offer. :) Let's see that Seal of Cleave in action!

Rexkicker said...

Sorry Jong, I'm gonna bop you every chance I get. Especially when you pop wings. <3

gnomeaggedon said...

"I also operate on an “agro table”--I just go after whoever pisses me off the most."

Now I know why I fail at PvP...

I suffer from your aggro table issue, and have no health or armor to back it up...

Rivs... Ari's in there, so there's one decursing interrupting mega machine Mage...

Which means that Tuna, myself and the rest of the Maging crew can do what comes easiest... sit on the sidelines sipping our Raspberry Lattes... or Guinness... Someone say Bacon... Euripedes will be somewhere near the bacon...

You have, somehow, amazingly, outdone yourself once again Jong...

You are the guy that when the raid reaches the iron ceiling, reaches up and punches a 20 foot hole in it...

Alfonsius said...

Hi,

because I think you would need some priesting support, too, I would like to nominate Ambrosyne of http://forthebubbles.wordpress.com/ for healing and strat explanations.
Just check out her "Short 'N Sweet Strats" tags.

Nimayne said...

@Rivs: There are mages:) at least I see some ofthem:)

@Jong: ery nice and hilarious to read:)

Syrana said...

Awww, you'd hire Sideshow, then nix him, but not bring me to the island? No fair! I just wanted the job to come up with nice things to say about you....

Almaster said...

Very fun to read.

Arioch said...

Rivs, I am heartbroken that you did not recognize the mages. /cry

Jong, you know you're hiring me because I offered to wear low rise leather pants. =)

Ferarro said...

As GM, I've already handed out four maces, but I'd ticket mine to Averna. =)

Matticus said...

I better get some good stock options.

Rivs said...

In my defense...I drink...ALOT.