Tuesday, September 8, 2009

hakunamatata

Here’s an advice to all clueless social rejects.

When you’re at the blackjack table, play the cards out under strict assumption that the dealer has a face card. You play this way to maintain the house edge at below 3%.

Similarly, when you’re interacting with others in wow, assume that all female belfs, including Ferraro, are 42-year old tax attorney from Cincinatti, Ohio. He’s bald. He has hairy nipples and triple-decker java the hut chin. If you were to lift his man boobs, you’ll find potato chips, movie ticket stubs, and all kinds of delicious grubs for Timon and Pumba. You play this way to keep yourself from pulling stupid shit like this:
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I’m back in the game. I’ve transferred to a new server on the ALLIANCE side.**

Jong the belf pally is no more. I’m a human paladin now.

Human pally is excellent from the min-maxing stand point, but it’s terrible for blogging. It used to be… “Hellooooo, I’m a belf ret pally!”….that’s all I had to say, and it’d be hilarious. Now...Hi! I’m a human!… yeah, and? Humans have no personality. I think I’ll go dwarf.

**I changed server and faction to apply to an uber guild. My horde guild was uber too, but they raid 12 am – 3 am local time and I couldn’t commit to the schedule anymore.

23 comments:

HP said...

noooo! What about the hot male belf frosted tips bonus to ret dps? =(

Elladrion said...

Fail.

this was originally longer and more insulting, but who the hell cares what an anonymous commenter says, I mean really?

Arioch said...

And people wonder why I play male characters. Not to mention it's hilarious in vent when they finally piece it together. There's a pause and then an almost audible WTF?! as their brain wraps around it. Good times.

Faction transfer?

/cry

Why human? You play human 24/7 in real life and now you want to play one in game? Blech.

I'll always think of you as a belf pally with glorious hair and wonderful skin.

You were my mage's mancrush. I'll always have the memories!

Jong said...

@ Elladrion

I care what everyone has to say. I'm assuming you're referring to the racial remarks--or was it was it something else? I think it's tasteless too, so I took it out.

Kevin said...

Jong you bastad! Way to drop me a note or say goodbye! damn you! Thraice.

Jong said...

@ Thraice
Send me your email.

Joe said...

Dwarf is the way to go, especially female. Rarity alone should grant a dps bonus comparable to the frosted tips. Though you'll probably get less ass grabbing and 'friendly' gifts too.

I'm just a little sad my main would never become a Tauren paladin.

What's that like on the horde anyway? Do people gift crap to belf males just because they look so girly?

Sassafras said...

Be sure when you make that female dwarf that she has pigtails... Those things whip about in the wind when you cast, and it's ossimsauce.

gnomeaggedon said...

“Hellooooo, I’m a belf ret pally!”

easily replaced with 5 seconds of video of a male human running...

Don't worry you wont be harassed by the female night elves...

Just every male character on your server...

You run like a girl... you must be a girl!

WTFspaghetti said...

Dwarfs are by far my favorite race in the game.

GL with the new guild.

Bell said...

And now my count of "Blood Elves I can stand" diminishes further.

Welcome to the Alliance side, mi amigo. Sit down, relax, show us a screenshot of your new duds. You can still get your super-saiyan haircut, and hey, you're buffer now. And all those female draenei and night elves who couldn't keep their hands off of you? Well, now it won't just be because you're flagged for PvP.

Stoico said...

I greet you to the ranks of the real paladins. You all know that alliance is the paladins true side. And Human ofc, you are now as buff and incredible good looking as me Jong...

Make a dark skin and grey/white hair color and you will be rocking. Have btw adopted your cool and very modern hairstyle for my character atm. Normally I was bald, to be a bad ass biker. But now I have Jong sexy hair, good with the girls and bad ass as dps... ;)

Almaster said...

YAY!

someone else who is a human paladin just like me!!!!!!


FOR THE HORDE!! err. Alliance!

Tittertot said...

Welcome to the dark side

Tsær said...

please let this be a hoax ><

If you turn out having prince al'walweed's money, please transfer all your guildies back to horde.

In time you will find the +cheesburger racial that the horde used to bless you with, a big loss...

Sprink said...

Awww, no more belf? No more person to share all my hair dying and nail polishing stories with? /sob

Good luck with the new guild... and with a little luck, they'll all faction change Horde. ~_^

Alfonsius said...

Good luck with your new raid.

But honestly, you schould've rolled dwarf!
As you will surely know aggro is based on height, that's why there are so much gnomes around. Less aggro = more DPS.

On the other hand ... haven't heard any of my dwarf buddies talking about shampoo, or soap, or brushung teeth ...

Firespirit said...

^^ Sorry Tsaer, Firespirit is Alliance all the way.

We have a rather famous horde side, I think the top guild over there is 200th in the US, so nothing to balk at, but they are simply jerks on horde side. That has kinda ruined the horde for me. I am diehard alliance, and I crush all hordies that I see (and are flagged), or I die trying. Because I am a PvP fool, it is usually the dying that I do. But still, I have faction pride :)

Jong: We all know you are a Belf pally stuck in a human body now. There is no changing that. Now you have to petition blizz for better hair cuts, because frankly, they just suck. WTB Green Mohawk - PST. I am stuck with an anime-style ponytail, and I hate it.
As for the... Belf-ness.. Well... Humans have always had a secret lurking around.. I mean, just look around Stormwind when you get a chance. Is there a normal face there? I think not. You will fit in just fine, and the blog will keep rolling if you tell us about your... *ahem* back-alley antics.

P.S. What server you on now?

Anonymous said...

You joined Megan, didn't you!

/cry

Rhidach said...

Belfdom seems somewhat diminished.

River said...

I too have joined the ranks of the Humans. No more uncaring undeath for me. No more lonely saturday nights in the graveyard...so many girls on the alliance....ok so their 40 yr old men...one can dream can't they?

ByStander said...

Awesome Jong I think it's jabba and not java , but I think I"ll rename him java now since you call him that :D and I too have always treated everyone on WOW as male, unless proven else everyone is male to me, I don't do anything special for people because they are using a female toon....

Antigen said...

I'm probably faction/server transferring too, and the hardest decision of all of it is either female Draenei or female Human.

Humans are great and all, but that shelf ass is tempting...