Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Apparently, the Young Republican Scourge Minions voted me The Most Hated Ret Pally again—that’s three seasons in a row. Give me a break. There are dozens of silly ret pallies running all over the place. Why me?
I'm a compassionate, kind soul. I don’t just go mowing them scourges down in blind fury. I always try to talk to them first. I approach them with loving eyes and the carebear libram held close to my chest, but they all talk like Galertruby and won’t listen to me.
Hello brother goul. I’m Crusader Jong.
Gahhl galha Garrrahhalagh!
Wait! I’m just here to share the good news. Have you heard the good news?
Aglhha gahllragl gllah aghhrla!
Jesus loves you.
Then he gets all up in my face and messes up my hair. I swear, if he knew how much I pay for haircuts, he would never try that shit. When you mess with Vidal Sassoon's proudest moment that is my hair, you’re messing with my emotions. What choice do I have but to bust your head open and then proceed to decimate the entire field of anything that can't enunciate its words?
I'm not a bully. I'm just misunderstood.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Office coffee... our office coffee comes in two delicious flavors: American Turpentine and Colombian Mud Water.
I’m liking my mage way too much. The other day, I almost got run over by a car trying to blink across the street.
I’m heading out to Virginia next week for my friend’s wedding. I was chosen the best man by the sheer virtue of my leet toasting skills. When I rock the microphone, there will be tears! laughter! and... panties flying across the room! WTB port to Reagan National Airport pst 15g tip... otherwise, I'll have to fly DELTA, Don’t Even Leave The Airport. We Love to Fly and it Shows my butt. I got here six hours ago. I generally hate flying, but I would love to fly sometime TODAY.
I'm excited to see my friends and family though. People in East Coast have no idea how big California is. My friends would ask me stuff like, “How do you like living in LA? Do you hang out in downtown San Francisco after work ?”
Um, no, do you drive to fucking Maine for lobster dinners?
Speaking of lobsters, we tried general hard mode tonight. The run back to general's room sucks. It's plastered with breath-taking stained glass arts, but it still sucks. It could be covered in boobs, and I'd still hate it. Please guys, L2 Dance Dance Revolution out of shadow crash.
Oh gawd, I'm gonna see so many Koreans at the wedding. They're my peepz. They make me so proud in some ways and embarrass me in other ways. They'd eat anything with four legs. Even puppy dogs. They'd eat anything with four legs except desks.
One of the reasons I excel at wow is because I'm Korean. My racial passive includes +15 Gaming and +15 Calculus. Things were working as intended until black people qq'ed about how unstoppable we were... so Blizzard nerfed our penis size by 3 inches. Dubya tee eff?
Have you heard of SlayerS_'BoxeR' the Emperor of Terrans? If you've played StarCraft, go check out this gosu lock-down at 0:32 and the mines at 1:57. It's insane. I swear if they ever come up with un-manned fighter jets, Koreans would dominate the world. Just give them a joystick.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Scutum: Jong, can you help me with this quest?
Jong: Which one? Link it to me.
S: [Sons of Hellscream: Rites of Passage]
Slay the Dragonkiller and win the courtship of the Princess
Prove yourself as a righteous descendent of Hellscream with fierce display of strength and trophies of irresistible charm.
Travel to Blade’s Edge Mountain and challenge the Dragonkiller to a Greco-Roman style wrestling match. Beat the living crap out of him and take his head off.
Then seek out Lindsay Lohan, the Princess of California Rolls. Dazzle her with the scent of manhood, swoon her heart and make passionate love to her.
J: Oh, I remember this one. I want you to do this by yourself. It’s soloable.
I took Scutum to Gruul’s Lair and waited for him outside. “Go on Scut, you can do it.” My eyes welled up watching my kid brother nervously stalk into the cave… he’s a big boy now… daddy would have been so proud of him.
Flocks of perched dragons flew off as the cries of Gruul thundered through the valley.
I paced back and forth-- my heart was pounding too fast to stand still. I clenched the sword tight until my knuckles turned bone white. Terrible thoughts crossed my mind and I had to assure myself to resist charging into the lair. “Blood of Grom Hellscream flows through his heart; he’ll be fine.”
Moments of unnerving silence passed… and there he was, my kid brother, emerging out of the dark lair with the biggest smile on his face!
S: Jong! Jong! I done it! I win!
J:Yeah? How did it go?
S: Well, first I tried to swoon him and win his courtship with my Pierce Brosnan charm, but he denied me. So I grabbed him by his horn, popped Blood Fury, and made passionate love to him. He’s over there in the corner whimpering with his face buried in his knees. High King Maulgar is trying to comfort him. I feel kinda bad.
S: Let’s go slay the Princess now!
J: Abandon your quest nub. You gotta start over.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
It's only been a week, but I missed you. Like the deserts miss the rain. If Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors, I can blog after I quit blogging.
It's Tuesday night, the raids reset, I smell nice, and I got me a bottle of Jack Daniel's. Everything's perfect. Gawd I love this redneck Tenessee whiskey. One of these days, I'm gonna have sons. Three strong sons brave like Grom Hellscream and sexy like me. I'm gonna name them Jack, Jim, and Johnny. Hmmm... I need girl names synonimous with Jack, Jim, and Johny in case I have daughters. Oh, I got it: Megan.
You know I've always had warrior charge envy. I wrote so many mails to ghostcrawler requesting ret pally charge. I told him I'd be willing to give up pussy bubble and whatever pointless pally touchy-feely spells to be able to charge into battle. He said no, so I decided to just roll me a warrior.
I LOVE this guy. I'm particullary proud of the name I picked out for him. Scutum means vibrator in Latin, which is really fitting cause I'm a warrior. I have an awesome RP background story for him too:
Scutum Hellscream is a forgotten son of Grom Hellscream. Grom done knocked-up all three Destiny's Child during their Summer 2007 World Tour. Currently, Beyonce Knowles and Kelly Rowland are engaged in a multi-million custody battle for Scutum and Grom's alimony.
Jong: Hello Sctutum... my half brother.
Scutum: Lok'tar whitest blond belf with an Asian name... how can you be my half brother?
J: Our daddy's got more off-court game than Wilt Chamberlain. My momma is Renee Zellweger. I was begotten during the Jerry McGuire premiere, but Lucy Liu claimed me as her son.
S: Damn...zug zug.
J: Tell me about yourself.
S: I'm a lvl 31 arms warrior and simply unstoppable. I'm so leet I kill stuff and complete quests by accident. I just run up and down The Barrens with my protruding hard-on and zebras, lions, kodos, and all animals of Savannah drop to cleave damage. When I went to Hillsbrand Foothill, I had to zip my pants back up cause I kept aggoring the Southshore gryphon master.
J: Unapologetic ego and self-delusion...you're doing it right...you ARE my brother!
Monday, July 6, 2009
It's been a short run, but I've had tons of fun. It was great getting to know all of you. I wish I had met more of you. Although there were many blogs I enjoyed and followed on a daily basis, I've only commented on a few. Most of the time, it was because I had nothing constructive to add. Plus, I'm really shy.
I think the wow blog reader base in general are extremely astute. I know this for a fact, because not only was I a writer, but also an avid reader. Thank you for your support; it really meant a lot to me.
Have a great summer and thanks for the run.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Here are my success stories: I make way more money than you do (just in case you feel inspired to stomp me with your gold cap screen shot, I'm referring to the real life dollars). I don't even know how much money you make, and I'm still certain I make obnoxiously more than you do. That's how much money I make.
I can bench press 315 pounds and whoop your ass... unless you're a 6'4" 270 pound black guy... in which case I'm terribly sorry.
After hearing me talk about myself, do you feel inspired, enlighted, or otherwise feel the urge to kneel down with open arms to bask in my glorious glory? I'm guessing no. I bet you don't even care.
I feel the same way about most of your success stories. My favorite is how your imaginary girlfriend solo-tanked Gruul in fury spec. She was so leet, she didn't even click on spells. She just typed the commands out on keyboard with her elongated nipples...... /-d-e-v-a-s-t-a-t-e [enter]
That bullshit story proved nothing more than:
1) Your imaginary girlfriend is in fact imaginary.
2) Tanking isn't your element.
I didn't feel inspired or enlightened at all.
Some of your stories are wildly entertaining though. Your epic saga from pugging naxx to finding your way into a prominent guild as the effective guild Treasurer... omg I followed that story like I followed Gillmore Girls Season 3... Gosh, why won't Lorelai just admit her feelings?
I don't know why Larisa is so nice to Gevlon. I think it's because she's a good person and she tries to bring out the best in everyone. Larisa is nice to Gevlon the way Elizabeth is nice to Corky in Life Goes On. "No, Gevlon. You're wearing two left shoes again.... there, good job!"