Monday, June 15, 2009

Jong-Tsu Art of DPS, Chronicle II: Know Your Sugarmommas

One of the reasons I have been able to climb the corporate ladder so fast sporting bling bling cufflinks is my keen ability to identify my sugarmommas and being nice to them.

Take Sunil, the head of IT Support. Sunil is an Indian. Not ah bah bah bah bah Florida State Seminoles Indian, but 7-11 thank you come again Indian. He is an uber nerd that other nerds look at and go, amg look at that nerd. He lacks social graces and can’t speak English good. His vocabulary probably spans wider than yours and mine combined; he just can’t pronounce things.

No one from the business group hangs out with Sunil. Everyone treats him like a nerdy Argent Squire who runs around with a backpack full of tools and baguettes fixing things on their demand.

I’m the only one who makes sincere efforts to befriend Sunil. I’ll ask how his weekend was and listen to… oh gawd… the other day, I told him I tried Aloo Gobi at Indian Palace and that struck up a 20-minute conversation with him going off on 13 variations of exotic spices required to make the dish the right way. At times, I really want to swap out my 2h weapon for Merriam-Webster Dictionary and smack a Judgment of Enunciation across his face, but I’ll sit there and listen to whatever he wants to talk about. I’ll even joke with him: “Sunil, if I were an Indian, my pick-up line would be, Baby, I am so bomb, I put the bomb in Bombay, India.”

Anyhow, this is what I’m getting to.

When the jerkface who treats Sunil like an NPC has his computer nubbing out on him, he has to go to the intranet to fill out a long helpdesk request form. A scrubby intern might take a peek at the request and get back to him by tomorrow morning. He is fucked for the rest of the day. When my stuff starts blipping in unfamiliar ways, I just call Sunil directly. He’ll be at my desk all out of breath with pieces of basmati rice stuck on his face. He will actually drop his lunch to tend to my trivial needs. Do you know how awesome that is?

Let me dovetail the story into Jong-Tsu Art of DPS, Chronicle II.

Healers are your sugarmommas. They’re your doctors. I’m not talking about some pussy dentists who sit in air-conditioned offices all day. They are Airborne Ranger Combat Medics who are all up in the frontline crossfire with you. They’re applying a 4-point tourniquet to your leg while giving CPR to the fading warlock next to you with bombs exploding all over the place. Give them the proper respect they deserve. AR EE ES PEE PEE CEE TEE find out what it means to me.

Don’t link the damage meter. No one cares. Link the healing meter after an intense fight and throw out empty fluffy compliments. Don’t just say, “nice heals”. FLUFF IT UP. Say “holy sweet jeebus! how is that even possible?!?” or “OMG them chain heals were CLUTCH”. As of 3.1 giving out compliments cost no gold. I just checked the realm patch notes and it’s still going to cost no gold in 3.2.

I’m not here to defend healers by any means. I’m here to look out for you. You ever heard of the Healing Priority List? It exists, oh yes it does.

The list generally goes like this: 1) MT; 2) OT; 3) The dopest dps in the raid (that’s me)… 23) Hunter’s Cat; 24) Baby Blizzard Bear; and 25) self-delusional dps who yells l2 heal me.

Let’s say two equally dope dps are in identical trouble. If you were a healer, which would you save first?

A) The douchebag who habitually throws out condescending remarks

B) The charming charismatic ret pally who calls you the Tom Brady of HoTs

You catch my drift?

I'll leave you with an anecdote from the Felmyst fight. The raid instructions were: 1) stay away from the green beam; and 2) let the pally tank aggro the skeleton spwns first.

I did the exact opposite of that and got myself into a real big trouble. I was throughly convinced I was dead. I put my mouse down and was walking away to make a sammich... then there it was... priest touchy-feely bubble! Holy Light, Holy Light, Rejuvenate, GREATER HEAL!!! 30K+ overheal went off on me within 2 seconds.

I didn't die and I finished the fight with real good dps. The end.


Grimmtooth said...

My healer alt wants to have your babies.

I *do* have a healing priority list, in fact, and it's pretty close to the one you listed. Main difference is I'm top of my own list, because I'm not holy spec. Unlike Holy, I can't heal when I'm face down in the sewer.

On the other hand, being Discipline, I get to have a whip, so it's all cool.

"Tom Brady of HoTs". Oh yeah, you know the right buttons to push. :)

Morphy of Galakrond said...

Amen, my brotha. I gotta be honest, as a mainspec tree, I couldn't have said it better myself. I recently changed my off-spec from moonkin to bear tank and it's amazing how healers become your bestfriends when you keep them alive and toss a few compliments their way . . . even if they're undeserved. lol

Sprink said...

I make it a point to be high on the healer's priority list. At least higher than the rest of the dps. ^_^

And with taking advice who I forget gave it (sorry good advice giver!) I've been dropping a table at the start of BGs and find that I usually have a healer following my kamikaze mage bottom around a little. ~_^

I love me my healers. And they love me... usually.

HP said...

ROFL! So true!!

I used to have people on my healer blacklist because I got sick of them eating damage because they wanted to pew pew or I just didn't like them. Nowadays, I'm more a ffa healer but I still try to take care of my peeps =)

Anonymous said...


I decided to start my own blog...

Linkage incoming:

"...and with a smattering of style and humor from Jong over at Forbearance..."

gnomeaggedon said...

Rules of Leet DPS.
1) Love and Praise your healer
2) Stay alive long enough to do Leet DPS.
3) See rule 1.

Once in a fit of anger (at my own stupidity) I swore over vent as I died... My Pally healer took that to mean that he screwed up...

I spent 3 weeks publicly and privately apologizing for my outburst at myself...

Now days I keep a pocket Tree healer... he has 2 Macros set up.

*Battle Rez*
/tar Gnome
/cast Battle rez

/castsequence Heal Gnome, Heal Tank, Heal Gnome, Heal Gnome, Heal Tank

it pays to buy them beers when the come to town too!

Shamrockgirl said...

Jong - i'd throw my chain heals to you and let them bounce off you to the tanks. ^_^ You would be amazed what healers will do for those that show them love.

We have a mage in our guild who likes to whine in vent "where were the F*ing heals?" every time he pulls aggro and dies. when he does this, he is the last person i heal for the rest of the night.

ps. your humor is never lost on me, i just wanted to make sure you didnt think i came here for the quilting tips. ~_^

Arioch said...

Never underestimate the value of inviting the IT guy to your department potluck.

On my mage I never blame the healer for my death (unless it really was their fault - the minion incident comes to mind) and I always keep an eye on them to make sure they're out of trouble.

As a fledgling healer (level 32 baby!) I have noticed the priority list forming every time I get in a group. Heal the nice guy? Check. Heal the douchebag? Mmmmm... let's make him nervous.

Where can I train Judgement of Enunciation?!?!?!?!

Hatch said...

I cannot endorse this message ENOUGH! Treat your healers with the tender loving care with which you would treat Megan Fox's nether regions.

And it directly benefits you to make friends with everyone at your work, including the guy who cleans the bathroom (when your bling bling diamond toilet is clogged, he's there) the IT guy, and especially the security guards.

Yes, I totally just did this comment in the supafly style of Jong. I DPSed this comment with words like a Ret Pally when the raid boss just stole his sandwich.

Bob said...

As a healer, it pays to stay on my good side. I don't expect you to kiss my ass, but at least give it a slap as you walk past.

A "Good shower, see you in the game" doesn't hurt either.

As for the Mage's comment about the feast: Conjured Mana Streudels are delicious.

holydiscipline said...

I'm not one to come up with extremely clever comments to extremely clever posts. (Which is why I never comment.)


I love this post. <3

snarkcraft said...


Healing Priority List is the healers biggest secret. Or at least it was....

-- Jov

Luke said...

I'd actually say that most healers' list look something more like...

1. Main Tank
2. Off Tank
3. Other Healers
4. Valuable DPS

Alfonsius said...

Again you made me giggle hard.

Greetz, a dwarf priest ;-)

Shy said...

hehe, my prio list:

1. Me: without health I don't heal
2. MT
3. OT
4. High dps
5. Good healers
6. Pets
7. Bad healers
8. Bad dps

Idiot dps isn't on the list, they get to taste what flavour the floor is in various places ;p

Good post ^_^

highlatencylife said...

I view myself as the comedy relief of the raid. I joke around, have fun.

I don't get mad if I die, I go "NomNomNom Dirt tastes good" or I tell them please let me die, cause I'm doing shots everytime I do.

This is a game, some people take it way to serious.

Zaralin said...

I whole-heartedly agree, as a tree healer and a mage pew-pewer. Treat your healers well!

Don't forget to also praise your tanks, too. If the tanks go down, the healers are usually next/very close on the threat list. I LOVE ME MY TANKS!!!!

My only comment would be to NOT post the heal meter. How healers rank on the heal list can be correlated to what they are healing (tank, OT, raid) and the size of the group. A healer is doing a good job if they are keeping (the non-stupid) people alive.

pilfkin said...

Bah how I regret stopping playing ma priest. Then I'd have a new title - and I like the sound of 'Sugarmomma'! I guess 'locks don't get to have that role.

Lance said...

Seriously Jong... this was one of the best posts I have read around for a looong time :p

StaggerLee said...

Great post, love the tone.

Unfortunately I do not use a priority list... I can not have healthbars that are not full in my raid or party frames, I can't help it ... Maybe this is why I do not do healing assignments very well in raids o.O

Ideally everybody looks out for each other, if the tank looses a mob, the dps have lots of utilities to stop the mob from hitting the healer in the face, but I rarely see that happen anymore.

Ixobelle said...

when DPS get pissy, i ask during raids if there's a way to blacklist people in grid so my CoH or whatever will just ignore them.

they usually STFU around then.

Nefernet said...

That remembers me of an idiot we pugged for a Nexus one day, when I was healing on my tree.
We asked him several times to stop bouncing mobs of the tank, and i threatened him I would stop healing him if he continued. Of course I went on healing him, I didn't want to spend time rezzing the idiot.

He didn't listen, he said he would report me if I stopped healing him (this part pissed me off, but not as much as the coming part...) and once, after bouncing mobs and recieving some heal from a wild growth (group healing for those who don't speak tree) he said : "Oh you're healing me even when I'm bouncing mobs !".


Right. Next fight was Omorok, we asked everyone to be in melee range, he stayed away, he died... I wonder why really... <.<

My main character is a hunter, I know the DPS's job and I fully agree with you, rule number one is don't piss off your healer. Rule number two being, protect your healer. And always thank healers when they heal your pet... They might do it again...

Happy Priestess said...

You are my hero! Mucho love fot this post <3

I'm going to have to be passive-aggressive and link it for our "entitled" dps.

RFairney said...

It extends beyond healers, anyone who can help you significantly.

Its funny, no-one who talks down about hunters gets Master's Call on freya, or other such things ;)

Anonymous said...

So we were running an alts Ulduar10... funny how I have a main healer and an alt healer... our guild main tank (who is a jerk and regularly implies that all healers are stupid) was on his hunter.... He discovered that he was dead last on my priority list when he wasn't tanking, and he really wasn't pleased.

Grimmtooth said...

@Anonymous - Well, I guess if he considers healers to be stupid, he shouldn't expect them to be able to count as high as 10 in the healing priority list, either. Five might be my limit. Six MIGHT be next, but I'm not sure.