Monday, May 18, 2009

If I had Prince Al-Walweed's Money

I like kids. I was really bumbed out when the children's week was over and I had to part ways with my orphan.

I can't tell you how excited I was to get a permanent kid to hang out with me. I'm gonna teach him everything I know so he can be a face wrecking juggernaut like me when he grows up. He's gonna be an insane arms warrior with 2300 arena rating.
I daydream a lot. One of the recurring scenario is where I'm chillin in a champagne room of a highly exclusive nightclub in nyc inappropriately fondling Adriana Lima's boobies. Montecristo torpeto #22 on one hand, kettle one martini on the other.

The other scenario is where I'm swimming in money like Scrooge McDuck and I don't know what to do with my billions. Except I know exactly what to do with my money.

1) Buy bunch of islands east of Africa near Mauritius. Register the territory to be a country under the name of Republic of the Jong. We're gonna sign up for Olympics and stuff. London 2012, here we come!

2) Start a hedge fund to establish a permanent stream of obnoxious sums of money. There will be two funds under the management. Cowboy Giddy Up Fund (CBGF) will be proactively managed for positive alpha. I'm gonna hire the entire Elitist Jerks staff as my quantitative analysts. For Dart Throwing Monkey Fund (DTMF), I'll hire bunch of monkeys. I'll blind-fold them and have them throw darts at the financial pages of the Wall Street Journal. Whatever the monkeys pick, we buy.

3) I'll hire all my sexy readers. All of you. Your job is to sit there, eat bon bons, and play wow with me. Your salary? 250K USD plus performance-based bonus that scales with your achivement points and Attack Power. We'll raid Ulduar and run premade AVs.

4) BRK, Resto4Life, and OOM will be back. They'll be required to log 20 hours of playing time per week. They'll also be required to travel the world on a personal jet with unlimited expense accounts so they get exposed to lots of things and get ideas for lots of fun interesting blogs.

5) I'm also gonna hire a group of 5 people or so... I don't know what to call this group, but their job is to sit there and think of nice things to say to me (e.g., OMG Jong, you smell so nice today!)


Anonymous said...

I'll totally be up for #5. I have an 80 rogue too, so I'll make her ya know go AFK outside instances and go try Emelon with a fishing pole so you can laugh at more lulz rogues.

I'd do that for you cause that's how much I love your blog. <3

And ya know. For the money.

Shamrockgirl said...

OMG Jong!! You smell soooooo nice today! I want to eat bon bons and play Wow with you... can my salary scale with bonus healing though??? cause i have no AP. :(

Stoico said...

#3. Cant wait for you to call, Jong. You know we need to have a whole bunch of us Retribution paladins at the olympics, juggernauting away. Or am I mixing things up here... :S

darksaturn7 said...

#3 definately, but like Shamrockgirl I would so love that to scale with my paltry spellpower. That and I can even do stupid mage tricks whilst saying how sweat you smell with a mouth full of bon bons! Yes I'm good at mulitasking...maybe a preemptive raise is in order for me? Eh Eh?! :P

Arioch said...

Sign me up for #3!
I'm hoping the uniform is a smoking hot bikini with low-rise leather pants. =)

Anonymous said...

Jong, I see in other posts your recount, with the top 10 dps in your raid doing above 5k dps.

WTF! Are you guys in full Ulduar gear or what? I am pretty much full Naxx25 as a hunter and I can usually hit about 3.7k on most fights, like XT002. My raid is usually led by 2 rogues, who are both around 4.2-4.5k, then we have a bunch of people doing about 3.5-3.7k. What's goin on with you guys?!

Syrana said...

Where do I fax my resume? >.>

Sassafras said...

You will also need anti-monkey monkies to protect you when your dart throwing monkies revolt. Shmoo has a well thought out monkey army and anti-monkey monkey guard strategy. If you are in need of a monkey manager, he's your man.

Me? I just like to point and laugh at him.

Bob said...

Please make #4 happen. Cuz the rest of us WoW bloggers suck donkey balls. If you can lock on #4, I might be willing to apply for #5.

Anonymous said...

Can I be head of #6 - girls who just show you their tits all day?

Also, a/s/l? /bats eyelashes

8o8WoW said...

OMG Jong! How do you get your hair so voluminous and shiny? I tried L'Oreal's rinse and repeat but I'm just not getting the sleek shimmer of a belf D:

Zupa said...

I believe the girl said "low rise leather pants"

Definitely hire her first !

(then me kthx)

Ixobelle said...

i was seriously thinking about the unlimited money thing earlier today, and was debating on wether it would be financially feasible to own my own local mcdonalds and force them to sell nothing but egg mcmuffins all day long. right at 10:31am mcdonalds takes a huge dive in the flavor meter, and there has to be others out there that would support my McMuffinsOnlyAllFuckingDayLong.

ten bucks say the other mcdonalds get all butt hurt and are forced to follow suit, when they find people driving across state lines for a mcmuffin at 6pm.

I usually have these thoughts as I crawl out of bed at 10:45.