Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The Art of DPS: Part 1

You’ll never see me covering the science of ret pally dps, because there are plenty of excellent resources all over the place. Plus, I have no idea what I'm talking about.

What I can share with you though, is heart. The heart of plate dps. The heart of Grom Hellscream-- this is what separates the champions from the chumps.

Do you remember this dialogue from The Waterboy?

Coach Klein: Gatorade not only quenches your thirst better, it tastes better too.
Bobby Boucher: No, you people are drinking the wrong water.
Coach Klein: Gatorade.
Bobby Boucher: H2O.
Coach Klein: Gatorade.
Bobby Boucher: H2O.
Coach Klein: [singing] Water sucks. It really, really sucks. Water sucks.

Coach Klein isn’t being mean. That’s inspirational coaching technique at its finest. Anger and raw hate is in fact the greatest fuel for crazy leet dps. I mean, what do you say to a waterboy coming at you in tears incoherently yelling “Gatorade is not better than water!”

Orcs have Blood Fury and trolls have Berserking. It’s not called Chill Out or Calm Down. Fury! Berserk! You’ve got to flip OUT and go ape shit. I don’t have blood fury, but I can go toe to toe with orc dk and orc arms warrior. It’s because belfs have hidden racial passive called Inferiority Complex. It procs when someone throws insensitive comments at me like, "hey dude your eye brows aren’t symmetrical today" or "man, your elbows are kinda ashy" or "nice skirt".

Before the fight, I pretend that Hodir is saying these things to me and I’ll FLIP OUT:

“My eyebrows are perfectly symmetrical and my elbows are Nivea body lotion silky sensation smooth and my skirt is breezy and nice! I’m running with Seal of Commandos and my balls are after-shower powdery dry! Your balls are all sweaty and nasty!”

Hodir be shittin down his leg: “What are you talking about dude? I didn’t say nothin man!”

Loots and progression simply isn’t inspiring enough. You’ve got to be angry. Nipples tingling with the rage of thousand suns. If you are a nice person and you have trouble dishing out raw hate, just make stuff up. Pretend that Razorscale stole your bike or something.


Zupa said...

I agree 100%!

I first noticed this playing FPS games online as a youngster. If someone really pissed me off, I was most likely to enter "the zone"

And let me tell you, nobody plays an offensive role in an online game better than someone who is righteously pissed off and has something to prove!

It's like your brain synapses fire faster or something. Reaction times are faster. You play an extra 3 or 4 moves ahead than you normally would.


great post :)

Stoico said...

Jong as his finist, pure hate and good looking hair.

But you are right, I normally get into a similiar zone when I tank. Thinking you can hit as freaking hard as you can, but you aint going to take me down. Uhh, fire on the ground. BOM!, rocket boots im out. Come and get me. Uhh, charged up fist of motherfuc.... pain. Bubble wall.

You have more, I can take it. Drop kick and lightning from your eyes... ohh shit.... healers.... help... !!!

Lance said...

Aaaarrggg!!!! I heal with rage!!! Go die you MT, you owe me moneyZZ!!!

MT dies
/cast Bubble
/cast HS

Arioch said...

I love Waterboy, awesome movie.

"Seal of Commandos" just made my day. =)

Sprink of Archimonde said...

... I want to have your internet babies.

Beefheart said...

Haha you nailed it with Belfs there..My mage gets soo much hate because he is after all, extremely fabulous. He is perhaps a little on the camp side though, but he does carry that dress off well....Actually maybe it's cos he is a mage. Table plox :)